Lost

Okay. Let me begin with honesty. I have been busy and lost. But mostly lost. And when that happens, I do the one thing I know how to do best: be by myself.  For months, it’s been feeling like the world is running faster than my pace. I know I’m supposed to live at my own pace, but I’ve been feeling like I’m too slow. Too slow for my own liking because everything and everyone seems far ahead. When I look around, it sounds like I’m the only one on this route and totally left behind. And sometimes, I blame myself because when I look at the path I’m threading, it feels like I wasted my years doing other things instead of being on that path. And it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. I remember having this conversation some years back with someone in his forties, and I was told when I get to a certain age in life, I will be bothered by these things. And I laughed. I laughed because I’m not one to be bothered by such things. But life has a funny way of humbling us, huh?  I know the meaning of life is to give life a meaning. So all my years, I’ve been trying so hard to show up and keep up. I’ve been trying to make as many memories as I can.  I even made beach visits a routine. I started going to the beach more often, as it is my favorite place in the whole world. I started cooking a lot because it’s something that makes me feel like a free bird. I started reading, as I’m always fascinated by new things. I started doing a whole lot of things that I genuinely like for the nourishment of my soul. “Do what makes you feel alive, you know?” But it still feels different. It feels like they don’t even matter anymore because I’m far behind. One thing I like to do is to live in the moment, but now living in the moment doesn’t feel like how it used to be. And sometimes, it feels like the world has totally stopped, not for me to live but for me to feel lost and left behind and be absolutely clueless of where everyone went.  Oh! And I don’t just feel lost. I also know I'm lost because everyone who knows me thinks I’ve not been myself. But I am myself. Just lost. And the sad part, I can’t seem to find anyone to help me find my way back to wherever I was because I don’t even know if I should.