This post started out as a prompt to retell what happened during the HivePH meetup but then more posting ideas came in as I just dragged along the month of May. I just lost track of several prompts that I just lumped it into this one. You can consider this total shitpost compilation for May and a subtle way to torture readers with the word counts and how self-absorb the content is. Just declaring it now that I got a lot of things going on offline that prevents me from making the most fun out of this ecosystem.
I don't intend this post to go trending because it's not quality content, so if you feel like rewarding the wall of texts, there's a tipping function available on Peakd frontend.
This serves as disclaimer to all that bother to read further, I’m not forcing structure on this blog post. The themes are jumbled. Ideas just flow as I write. I stop after a few paragraphs and then come back days after wondering what the hell was my train of thought when I said this? As much as I want the post to be entertaining, it’s just content that I’m just going to back read on some future date. My own consumption which happens to be viewable by everyone else. I am my own fan and I backtrack the ideas I’ve written down.
I’m just recalling the events as they stream into conscious memory. It’s almost a month worth of memory and a lot of stuff happened before this blog. Probably the first blog where I just squeezed in an entire month’s worth of blogging ideas into one post. It’s the first time I tried but this is how I like to create my blogs once in a while, spontaneous and carefree coherent and occasionally garbled.
Has anyone ever cringed at what they posted months to years back on the blockchain even as far as back in the legacy chain? I do, I revisit what I post and appreciate the different perspective I had then and now. That’s just how I track my own growth how my perspective changes overtime. If they come across this blog as their first encounter with my name, they won’t get it but I would. The future me would revisit this post and ponder on where to head in life just as the present me revisits my past posts to reevaluate where the fuck did I do wrong again?
Random Showerthought:
The middle way is establishing order and welcoming the chaos of how events can turn out. I continue to struggle with perfectionism by ram fisting the fuck it lets ad lib this and go. That’s how my blogging style changed over the years. Not every shit hurled at you in the morning should make your outlook for the rest of the bad. Not everything that is neatly packaged has substance. Cluttered minds have hidden gems once you get over the looney.
The HivePH Meetup in a Summary:
It was fun. Got to meet friends beyond their Hive names and appreciated their authenticity. Some parts of the experience needed a time machine to redo like organizing the small things during the event but I didn’t lose sleep. As someone that struggles with the internal drive for perfection and willfully introducing chaos to balance that rigid order, my approach is about pursuing the middle way. I’ve written some fragments of those thoughts at HivePH.
Before the Meetup
Talks about a possible meetup started during the last quarter last year but nothing was set in stone. I did travel to Manila for a convention and had a chance to meet arcgspy and cthings in person. They were the only active Hivers left on the platform that time who ever saw my face. Our initial meetup was short and an impromptu so I said to myself it’s not going to be a side quest when I do meet HivePH members in Manila the next time.
I just needed more reasons to compel me to plan the trip and this was when wittyzell mentioned about coming back from Japan. I needed an event where it’s scheduled months ahead and where the most people could gather. I don’t believe in horoscopes but I have to thank my Panda zodiac sign for the stars have aligned and things were looking great for my schedule.
I don’t really enjoy the anonymous person gimmick on the blockchain but the cons of just readily handing out your information online on permanent record wasn’t worth it. It’s not that hard to search for my info with a few cluttered details over the course of my blogging. A short recap about how I started the anon streak was an attempt to be known for my works than the face. If I had the chance to redo my start on the blockchain, I’d still choose the anon route but I know it’s going to be difficult when the culture shifted to favor those that show their face online, on Hive anyway.
I’ve had my information dug up by random stalkers sending words of admiration, threats, and scams. When you have a good public standing, your information becomes a prime target for scams. Compared to me being a ghost writer versus as physician, which information seems better to scam other people through ID theft?
When you had a gun pointed at you, threats about being stabbed or mauled become less impactful. It’s like the bar was raised that seeing online threats and in person verbal conflicts don’t really mean much. But that doesn’t mean getting threats isn’t annoying when they spam your inbox. So factoring in the risks I have to take while pushing through the meetup, I knew there’s no way to avoid someone accidentally leaking some parts about me on the blockchain despite the reminders. Someone from the event will eventually forget one small detail and there’s not much I can do about it once it’s on the blockchain. So moving forward, I just thought about the inconveniences about being anon I no longer need to mind if more details about me got doxed.
Fast forward to the actual process of filing for leave and booking the tickets, these were new to me. I never took a vacation for 3 years since being employed despite how much HR nagged about using those leaves cause the law says so. I never booked a flight on my own because I was always stuck at work and never saw the want/need for travel. There was never any good reason to take a break from the daily grind since I was used to it until the plans for the meetup happened.
I never knew how much difficult it was to leave work until I saw I had a deadline motivated for personal rest and relaxation. The faster I finished tasks, the faster work piles up that made me doubt whether bothering to go was worth the headache when coming back. On the day of the flight, I had three different scenarios that warranted me to consider bailing out. A patient’s report was missing, a specimen needed processing, a document needed to be attended do on short notice and the side quests that came from the three main quests.
Shit, it’s like the universes just doesn’t want me to chill. But I already gave my word that I’ll go and even made up my mind about signing those resignation papers in contempt if I didn’t have my way. Because good riddance job that pays well and all the money I can’t even use to have fun. There’s a lot to unpack between those sentences up but I don’t want to drag this section of my misery long.
Onboarded a plane and got seated in between two beautiful ladies which made me just say great, now I can’t use any arm rests because I got to give these two their space. I can’t even enjoy the view except what’s in front because I might trigger some alarms that I’m checking out these two. I could just tell from peripheral vision that I was being checked out to see if I’m checking them out, it was awful but I had my book to mind. It wasn’t a pleasant flight but I’m glad I brought a book to pass the time. I landed on Manila and waited an extra hour or two for Witty just internalizing the atmosphere while I’m outside.
So, I managed to cross off something off a bucket list and that’s traveling alone. Met wittyzell on the airport and she’s exactly how she looks on the photos which made it not that hard to spot her from the crowd. The first impression chats went as awkward but nothing beyond what I’m used to. Then we proceeded to wait for jude.villarta.
We stayed at demotry place and the night/early morning trips to fast food stores nearby were the best. It’s those casual night walks and exploring unfamiliar places that I tend to like doing. Having people to converse with along the way was icing in the cake. Now I know I’ve skipped mentioning impressions of these Hivers but I don’t really see a need to elaborate they matter.
The most tangible way someone could tell if they matter is seeing me spend time with them or be physically present. Having an INTJ personality type meant being comfortable with solitude to the point that it’s been a running meme where solitary confinement isn’t so bad. Our social batteries are low and that limit constantly requires us to recharge so we use our social time sparingly. There’s plenty of fun stuff to be preoccupied and it happens inside our heads.
I’ve known these people for months and they’re not acting off character. They were the same people but in corporeal form. The same thing can be said for the ones I eventually got to meet in person. I was in and out of the moment. I was on leave but work rang on my phone. I wanted to talk to people I’ve wanted to meet in person for a long time. But I was talking to doctors and patients that frequently see me instead. The juxtaposition of being physically present but mentally absent. The desire to be mentally present but forced by circumstance to be somewhere else.
It may have looked like I wasn’t having fun but I did. It’s just that some stuff was happening in the internal world all at once that makes it difficult process it. I wanted to have fun without the guilt but the work I left crept up. I did my best, fuck work and just talk and drink.
Post Meetup Thoughts:
This was post vacation period where I was greeted with surrealism and reality lumped into a 24 hour period. As soon as I came back with still a day left of my leave, I went back into the hospital just to check the load of work piled up. Mentally organizing how to proceed while processing how the last few days were amazing. Finally achieving several things and having an equivalent exchange of headaches. It was an experience I don’t regret.
Random Train of Thought:
But addressing the work that came after was a different story entirely. I don’t recall an episode in a few years when I felt a visceral reaction to avert human interaction. My social battery was already at its limit and I have to report to work and talk to people more. There were deadlines and there were meetings and the only alone time I had was falling asleep for less than 2-3 hours a day. This was a period when I was straining myself at being polite when I just wanted to say, the fuck are you still here at the office on a Sunday working? I thought I had this place to myself and get out of my mental space.
There were numerous notifications on my messenger, discord and other messaging apps because some doctors have specific socmed apps to reach them outside regular text and calls. When bombarded with work messages that have congested over the leave time and personal messages from significant others also added into the mix, it triggers a visceral reaction that I don’t like talking to people and please just do me a favor that if I reply don’t bother responding back.
The last straw was when a friend of the past made a complaint about me seen zoning or ignoring their message even after 48 hours. It wasn’t an important message compared to work I constantly do so that automatically moves their message at the bottom of the list but damn they got mad at me ignoring the message. Made me reevaluate my relationships again, I’m low maintenance on social interaction. If our last conversation was years back and we were in good terms, we can continue where we left off years after. The same thing for days or weeks without talking. There’s no need for constant validation that we’re doing well so if ever I message you and you don’t reply for weeks, I’ll assume you’re a busy person and maybe some other time.
I see the damn messages and I don’t see the point of responding to idle chatter. If it’s like and death or there’s a few minutes to spare, I’ll reply. It didn’t help that people asking for my time often had plenty of it because they weren’t engaging in long hours of work or in the field of work related to mine. It doesn’t help that those that want a piece of your attention aren’t putting themselves into your shoes and think hmmm maybe this person isn’t replying because they have a lot of stuff going on. Nope, the default answer is just a snob, rude, or being intentionally ignored. I say good riddance and that’s how I prune my relationships.
Social interactions are weighed between should I do this work/project now or spend time with people? The safest choice was always the former because that’s how I earned my merits by spending more time getting shit done to advance my career or accomplish something. Yeah I’m not going to be fun at parties but this direction in life was motivated by a life lesson where someone can be loved by all and still be ineffective and inefficient. Someone else who does the heavy lifting on things that matter can be disliked because they lacked something on the public relations department.
Random Shower Thought:
I need counseling. A suggestion brought up by a co-worker after noticing how I’m withdrawn and trying to be a recluse at the office. Still at the phase where I’m trying to get the work done and recovering my internal reset after vacation. I was trying to avert social interactions and had a mumbled prayer please don’t notice me, or acknowledge I exist so I can be at peace doing my work. Not going to be surprised if they noticed a crack in the mask of me trying to be polite instead of just telling people straight up stfu and leave me alone can’t you see this pile of work I’m trying to do? But that never happened. I came close to when a co-worker phoned me right in the middle of it asking me about something they said important. Dashing in 2 buildings away from my current spot I asked what was it about only for them to inquire about gossip over X and Y which they specifically made it sound urgent.
Did I mention I never had a chance to recharge my social batteries? I looked at my senior for the first time in blank silence with boiling waters in. Used the two breaths rule and reevaluated my position. In the room were interns and coworkers. I say something now, there’s no taking it back but there was no doubt that coworkers sensed they something off because the quiet one started to act different and looked at them funny. I let it go after the second exhale and moved out of the room. Had there were no interns, I would have lost it. I left my important work 2 buildings away for someone else want for tea.
Leaving behind precious minutes of my time to get those documents printed by trying to negotiate between 3 other doctors with pending cases needed to be released ASAP. I proceeded to leave and continue catching up with my deadlines. I had a goal in mind and that is to accomplish the daily grind, berating anyone even if deserved had little purpose. But the message was clear enough that it made my co-workers see what could be.
Is this important?
No, I just wanted to ask if you knew X and Y because remember when we saw them at the mall the other day.
No, but I do remember seeing X. Is this the only reason you called me to come this urgent while I was busy at the back?
Yes, you’re busy? Sorry I thought-
Yes I’m busy, but clarifying it again that this is specifically the ONLY reason you called for me so urgent? Nothing else related to work?
Yes and-
Ok, I’m going back to the other building. (I think I'm still a good person but I murdered them 9x times in 9x different ways inside my head and still felt guilty 3x)
They apologized but I didn’t need it nor expected it. The only relief I felt back then was not losing composure and walking away as soon as I could to get back to work. It’s the consequences of saying something you mean and consistently true that hurts other people’s feelings but you can’t take it back regardless of how much playtalk gets added thereafter. In the end, my goals are more important than petty issues that just needs some breathing exercises to go over. I think there’s always been that misconception about being lonely and finding comfort in solitude.
Has anyone ever looked at their phone and hear the notification sound of a call, text, or whatever chatting app it’s on background then just feel a visceral phobia of please don’t talk to me I hate social interactions? I can’t turn it off because important messages often urgent and I can get called at 2am just to report to work for a case cause that’s my lifestyle. For the longest time, most people contact me when they need something, there are no pleasantries, that’s how 9/10 and 1/10 are spam or significant others make up the number of messages I receive are about people wanting something from me, solve this, pay this, can I get a loan? when are you free do discuss business? How’s it going I need funding please? Doc there’s a report that’s missing, I’m following up on patient X, can you make a report about this? All lumped together under the theme of social interactions that want to take away more of my time. As soon as my phone rings, there’s reflexive drive to snatch it and throw on the wall. Better to hate the object than the person calling.
I just grit my teeth wishing people stopped noticing me, stop contacting me, stop calling me, I'm trying to work, catch up, have solitude but where's my damn extrovert energy?
Trading:
Trades have been good despite the downtrend. Not enough to qui my day job but fun enough to make me consider it as one of the fall backs. Had I have more time to watch the market, I just know I’ll get better at it.
Some people need the consequences of their advice as tuition:
I use a simple screening tool whether the advice is worth listening to or not. Did it come from someone that practices what they preach? If I wanted advice about my taxes, I’d seek an accountant. If I want legal advice, I’d seek a lawyer. If I want a medical advice, I’d seek out a colleague that specializes in my medical condition. Some people are just more than willing to take advice from others that aren’t even invested in their troubles.
My medical advice to a patient that needs to have their foot checked went unheard. They sought consult with a faith healer and found out the tree spirit was causing the problem. A few weeks and the patient came back with the same problem but a little worse than when I last seen them. Not trying to get outdone by the quacks, I consulted the spirit of penicillin and the successive generations for help.
I need counseling:
Probably my dark humor kicking in during the most inconvenient times or just genuine capacity to move on quick that triggered a partner to claim I need counseling. Maybe it’s the way I’m blunt, monotonous, or just mostly chill whenever morbid situations pops up. Throughout my course in the medical field, more than half the time I get assigned to critical patients. Not my fault if I’m getting assigned to toxic ones nor do I think I’m jinxed. In fact, toxic patients with their health care demands builds grit over shifts that go unremarkable.
Listening to people’s problems during grief or anticipated grief is a unique experience. Most people can sympathize with grieving for a loved one, their loved one. My perspective involves seeing strangers I barely even know go through different stages as they stay in the hospital. I can sympathize but empathy is out of the question most of the time. In sympathy you put yourself into someone else shoes and thinking how much it would suck if it happened to you too therefore some understandi