Noticed the discoloration on some part of my body. Recalled the signs of melanoma and other possible differential diagnosis. Having some 3 years experience in pathology can make you pessimistic about the most benign things. Alright, I'm down with Statis Dermatitis, Melanoma, Eczema with some fungal infection. 2 benign: 1 malignancy odds but I'm leaving it to the experts before I psyche myself out.
But what if it's melanoma and I'm really just going to count my days left?
I'm more on the pessimistic - realist outlook so rather than fall into despair over an unconfirmed diagnosis. I prepared my bucket and funeral plans.
It comes off as a surprise how I reacted about my own future death. What if I only have a few years left to live 1 or 3? the prognosis is often bad if it's melanoma. Takes a look at my skin. It's looking like melanoma and if I say it's another benign condition (that's a reasonable counter but my mind is leaning towards the negative outcome), I seem to be just bargaining for nothing.
The 15 minute consult went like this:
Booked an appointment with a colleague. Had to wait an hour longer than expected because of the line. Colleague was surprised to see me. We weren't close. Probably spoke to them like less than 5 times in my life in med school because we got nothing to talk about. Made some small talk about catching up. Back to business. She took a moment's look and calls it Nummular Eczema then proceeds to prescribe. Made another small talk then consult ends with an open invitation to catch up some other time. She didn't charge me anything despite my insistence, as part of the medical ethics things but I wouldn't mind paying. I probably would do the same if I was on her shoes.
I know a lot of people complain about 15 minute or less consultation time when seeing a doctor and they get charged for some substantial pro fees. I get it. But being one myself and knowing how much chatter could be cut down into the business section of the consult, I'd say most of the time you can finish business in 5 to 10 minutes.
This is under the assumption that both parties knew what each other needs to know to get to that part. Like I don't need to ask so many questions if the ideal patient already knows how to provide the checklist of details I need without me asking.
So all my funeral plans went on hold and considered the experience another extended lease on life. I'm still undergoing treatment and hope it actually works after 2 weeks.
I was already mapping things like how I'd quit my job, how I wouldn't opt for cancer therapy which costs more money and leave me at crippling debt, do the stuff I put on hold like travel, give my stuff away and saying slow good byes. I was ready to be near death than cling on to life and how I became least bothered by it is the point of reflecting I'm currently doing. I should be sad or even bothered and yet I just approached the situation like it's the next objective to anticipate on the to-do list.
I've already accomplished my life goals set out. Not saying I did everything on the list but the main priorities are already done to the point that family benefits more of me being dead than alive because of a substantial sum of insurance waiting. No material possessions to be obsessed about, low maintenance on social life, no ego to fulfill some worldly purpose.
I probably end up being cast into the void, reincarnated, get isekai'd or hell~
Thanks for your time.