Here's To All The Fuck-Ups
To you, you messed up moron of a human being who always, always, gets some wrench caught in the works and ends up making things, as bad as they are, worse!
To all those times you were so sure you were right, when, of course, YOU WERE WRONG! AGAIN. Damn you are a ball and chain and I keep dragging you around, my ankle aches. I have been dragging you as long as I can remember.
Remember the time you warned your friend not to embarrass you by saying something ignorant at an important meeting? Remember? I do. And then you put your foot right in it, and once again you demonstrated for all present what a fool you are. Certified and tested idiot first class.
You never miss an opportunity to drop your pants and show us your talents at exactly the worse moment and then to compound the outrage you snicker about it. Like the time you told an insulting joke to a bartender and right at the punch line you tipped your beer into your lap! Perfect! You are amazing, truly.
It never fails that right when I think I got you covered, that you're not gonna get me this time, that there isn't anything out of place, you walk in and screw everything up. No matter how much I check and re-check—you're going to give me the finger and send my hopes dashing to the floor.
So here's to all the mistakes, misdeeds, misfires, and generally crazy as a loon behavior at exactly the worst possible moment.
Here's to all the fuck-ups like me.