**
Regrets**
We all have them, uncomfortable recollections of being injudiciousness, petty misdeeds--our peccadilloes. They haunt us, memories we wish we would not remember. Conscience? Morals? To be pure again, to be innocent and washed clean from all the past indiscretions. To have a perfect score in life? Unrealistic? Perhaps unnecessary? After all we are only human, to error, to be wrong, to try and rise to the moment and yet, we can fail, oh so miserably, so pathetic, weak. Still they come, those unsettling thoughts.
I should have given my father more in his last years. More love, understanding, support, comradeship, companionship, I should have tried so much harder, I should not have been so selfish. Yes, that's it isn't it? To have more time for my hobbies, as dad used to call them. To be selfish. To want to have more to yourself. To not want it taken away for someone else.
There is no excuse, there is only the truth of our human condition. Surrounded by a maelstrom of events and in the center of this world we react. Only later, we see what was going on. I do not make excuses, nor try to find a justification, I just try to understand how I could have done such a thing, or worse sometimes, not done.
A friend from my past was getting married. I send a joke greeting card showing a bride and groom duking it out in a boxing ring. It was in bad taste, I realize years later, but at the time I am young and think it is just a funny joke. He will not take seriously the outlandish things I have written to him, but see it as a harmless prank. It is not harmless. His bride to be opens the card and reads what I have written. She is outraged and he is outraged. They write a nasty letter in reply to this card and both sign it. Still I didn't see what they were so upset about, still I thought it would obviously be seen as a joke. It wasn't. It was a disaster. My parents learn of my indiscretion and chastise me. I believe they are wrong, it was just a joke, but today, so much farther down the road, I look back and realize you do not joke about someone's wedding, regardless of how you may feel, you respect their choice and wish them well.
The night before the wedding he calls me collect, the charges I accept. At first I am delighted to hear from my old friend. He wants to know why I would send such a greeting card. He's been drinking. I tell him it was meant as a joke, not to be taken seriously. He says it was taken seriously. I apologize, say I'm sorry, but still I can't let go of my position and remind him of his wildness. He says he's changed, not like that anymore. He continues being angry and somewhere in the conversation I lose my desire to continue. So I tell him, “I don't know who you are anymore” and hang up.
It has been over 30 years, this regret still stalks me. Should I write a formal letter of apology? Would the letter be more an attempt to clear my conscience than an act of compunction? Or would it still be the right thing to do no matter how it's received or believed?
Dear Friend from my childhood,
I deeply regret the greeting card I sent you about your marriage years ago. I clearly see now it was in extremely bad taste and I am ashamed of myself for doing such a thing.
Please accept my most sincere apology. I hope you can forgive me.
Dearest Dad,
I deeply reget not giving you more of what you really needed: loving companionship. Yes, I lived with you and took care of you, but in truth, I needed to give more than household chores and conversation. I needed to listen to you more, needed to share with you more, keep you company more, so much more. It breaks my heart to think of losing you and that I was so selfish, leaving you alone too much. I should have given you all the love I felt for you, have always felt and always will, give until I could give no more. You needed so much from me, especially in that last year and now I have to live with the knowledge I let you down. Oh God, I love you dad. I miss you so and I feel such a sadness in my heart. I am so sorry, please forgive me.
We can say or do wrong-- it cannot be undone. We apologize, beg forgiveness, and on and on it goes. Perhaps in the end it is not those we injured who need forgive us the most, but ourselves.