My 9 year old daughter was always very curious and intelligent. She thought herself to read when she was 3. She could tell you every car make and model when she was 4 and she had all the world's national flags learned off at that age as well. School is a doddle for her and the teachers give her extra stuff to challenge her. The minute she gets up in the morning she is in 100% overdrive until she crashed at 8pm. Soaking up everything. Anything she does not know she questions. Lots of them. Thousands of them per day. She will ask the closest parent to her. So when she is not in the house it becomes silent. Too silent and I always want her back. She's the life and soul of the family and she leaves a huge void when she's not around. But we know when the question barrage is imminent because we see the cogs turning trying to solve the latest life query. And this happened yesterday when nanny decided to buy an automatic car and daddy stupidly told her that nanny purchased an "automatic". Just for all you lazy Americans who only drive automatics. We like the thrill of the ride here and a good gear change and automatics are only for the disabled or old people with arteritis. We do not drive automatics but they have been creeping in over the last decade and I don't like it. Anyway as the old saying goes
"Once you go black you never go back"! Oh wait , not that one. Once you drive an automatic gearbox you will never go back to a manual.
Well I do not agree. There will come a time where I a pull up at the lights side to side with a little punk reeving his little Ford Fiesta and we will be looking at each other , sizing each other up. I will want to take off with a manual gearbox so I can go up to the gears faster than his shitty Fiesta and beat his ass. Some day it will come true . Oh Yes. Some day. Anyway back to the Automatic. I was collecting the child Einstein from school and I told her that Nanny got a new car.
Oh Reallllllyyy.
Yes. "And it's an automatic."
The moment "matic" left my lips I immediately regretted it. Such a foolish error for a 10 minute drive. What an idiot I was to start the question wheel. I grimaced and looked in the rear view mirror hoping she did not hear me. But I saw that head. The "Loading" head. The wheels were in motion and the first question was about to be blurted out. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. This could have been her nannys questions to bear but I stupidly blurted it out. Ok keep calm.
Daddy what's an automatic?
It's when a car changes the gears on their own.
So how do you slow down?
You press the brake pedal like you do in a normal car.
So what do gears do?
Well you start off in first and the faster you get the more you up up the gears and vice versa.
What's vice versa? [Grimace an offshoot question. Amateur hour @blanchy. You do this to yourself]
The other way around.
So when you decrease your speed you go down the gears?
Yes.
How many gears do you have?
Well this car has 6 but some cars have 5.
And what about reverse? Is there a gear for that?
Yes.
So you have 7 gears?
Yes.
Why didn't you say 7 gears then?
Because you say 6 and the reverse gear.
What gear are you in when you are stopped?
That's called neutral?
Is that a gear?
No
Can you stop in 5th gear?
Yes but you have to hold down your clutch and go back into 1st gear. [Another Grimace when clutch was mentioned]
What's a clutch?
You have to press it down with your foot to change from gear to gear.
Some boy said in school that his shot was "Clutch"?
That boy is an eejet and is watching too much American golf or American Football. Never talk to him.
These questions came in an Uncle Buck style format where child asks questions in quick succession. After a barrage of questions she takes a 20 second break to process the information as I prepare for the next wave of the assault.
So when you say the automatic has not gears how do you drive?
There is a drive, neutral , park and reverse gear. The gearstick is normally wider like a handle of a shovel. [Grimace 3 : you slipped up again @blanchy and you don't know the reason why automatic gear sticks are like a planes gear taking off.
And why are they not like the nobbly stick and more like a handle of a shovel?
Maybe because there are less gears and you only have to go up and down the automatic whereas the manual transition is mapped like a branch of a tree because there are so many gears.
Why did nanny buy an automatic?
I am not quite sure.
So in reality you have seven gears and nanny has 4 gears?
Well when you put it this way , yes.
So only 3 less gears. But nanny has a neutral gear where you don't have a neutral gear?
ehhhmmm I do but it's not really a gear.
So am I right in saying she has Reverse , Drive , Neutral and Park?
Yes.
and you have 1,2,3,4,5,6 , reverse?
Yes
So 3 less gears. That's not much?
So how was your day in school?
I still have a few more questions daddy?
What's the difference between Park and Neutral in her car?
Jesus I am not sure actually.
Does steering have anything to do with the gears?
No its the same in my car and in hers.
Does the car open automatically as well?
No you have to press the button on the key like our car.
What happened her old car?
They gave it back to the garage.
Is it dead?
Cars are metal honey so no but it's still driving just with new owners who will love it because nanny is a neat freak and the old car is like new.
Will it be alright?
Yes yes another family will have it now.
Total questions about gearstick in 2 minutes -32
Finally which seemed like 8 hours we arrived at nannies and I know from experience there will be a validation process and nanny will have to answer the same questions to make sure daddy was giving her the correct information. So the 32 questions will be asked again and if nanny answers them differently then daddy will hear about it later. I prepared nanny for the questions and ran out the door back into blissful silence. I sat in the car for 5 minutes enjoying some peace and harmony. When I go away with my friends for a couple of days my one stipulation is that I don't want any questions. I want a no question policy around my friends. I demand they phrase it as a statement rather than a question. My job involves alot of questions as well so I was all questioned out.
I went to Portrush recently to watch the golf and we were in a restaurant and the waitress came over and asked us what we wanted to eat. I started rocking uncontrollably in my chair. I managed to tell her what I wanted but she came back and asked me if I wanted my steak well done or medium rare. I let out a little whimper with another question being asked of me on a no questions holiday and my friend just said he wants it medium rare. After the dinner we watched a football match where there were no question asked and it refilled my ability to take a couple of more questions. By the time I got home without a question for 4 whole days I had re-energised my answering ability but my significant other was now in No Questions mode so I sent her packing to a dark silent room where nobody could ask her a question. Over the years we thought the sheer amount of questions would die down but they have increased but we are hoping the teenage years will be more rebellious and moody so there will be less questions. Where as most parents dread the teen age years , I look forward to them. The younger boy strangely enough does not ask questions and when he is not sticking beads up his nose , he just listens as every question is covered off with an answer. He probably is the real genius here just taking it all in. Who knows. But behind it all , I am proud of my question answering ability as I have kept my cool for 9 years now and answered every question thrown at me. Apart from the dodgy questions like are fairies real? I avoid those car crashes like the plague. Some day I probably will just shout out
NO QUESTIOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ARRRGHHHHHHHH
I do say it nicely at important points in travel such as airport security when you are trying to do 20 things at once and she's there asking you questions about the metal detector process so we have a no questions policy for important moments. But I have only 4 or 5 years to go before she becomes a moody teenager so I suppose I will be mad to answer a question in a few years. I will look back at all the questions and laugh in years to come while I watch her winning the Nobel peace prize for changing the world with a new auto transition process in cars. The questions are getting harder as well but I suppose I may as well enjoy the easy questions for the next couple of years before she overtakes my mental capacity and resorts to Gemini for her answers.