I told all yees all about a year ago that I took up tennis because the golf was taking too much of my time. I was also shit at it and I got tired being miserable. Someone once told me that golf is not for everyone as you are more miserable than happy playing it if you are an amateur. I find that true but there is always one perfect shot (out of 100) that brings you back up. I used to play with my father in law who is into a bit of hardship. So he used to enjoy calling for me at 8am on a January raining day, wait in the car park until the ice thawed a bit with the sun and go out in the lashing rain. I soon got sick of that so I took up tennis instead. Now tennis suits me because I am a stubborn bastard, I'm competitive and I will run all day. I chase lost causes and revive them into winning points. I go to a group on a Wednesday night that has a coach and he gives you tips to improve your game. It's only a tener. There are 10 or us. 9 of them are women so I fit in very well being the only male in the group. I couldn't give a shite really as the tennis coach is really after improving my game. I do not want to be bragging but I am the best player among the ten so so I will have to fly the nest and say goodbye to the auld ones. I decided to dip the toe in the competitive pond this summer and take part in the ladder competition. The ladder consists of 9 rungs. Rung A up to Ladder I. Don't @ me why they don't called it rung 1 to 9. I didn't invent it!! Anyway there are 4 players in a ladder and you have to play 3 of the players over the course of a month. It is up to the players to organise their own games and then you text the organisor after the match to tell them who won. Unlike traditional competitions it is the first to 9 games so the games would take around an hour. The aim of the ladder matches is to find the rung at your level. Rung A is all the elite tennis players of the club and the last rung is the beginners. So as I was a beginner in the ladder I was put in the lowest rung naturally. I was happy about this because I needed to gain confidence on my competitive debut. Now a bit about my tennis game. First of all I play football on a Monday and Wednesday evening. I Gym on a Tuesday and Thursday morning and I play tennis on a Wednesday , Saturday so I am fit. You would be amazed how far this can take you in tennis. The serving for me is the hard part but my thinking is once the ball is in the box I am happy and I will try to win the point in other ways. Now the weird thing for me is I am a leftie at some sports. I play football with my left leg for example. I come from a family of great football players and we are all lefties. If there is a @blanchy born who plays football with his right foot we leave him or her in the woods. However I write with my right hand. I play golf as a rightie so when I started playing tennis for some reason the left hand was much more comfortable and smoother. The coach said Nadal switched from being right handed to left handed because playing left handed has its advantages against right hand players. So I was happy staying this way. However my serve is weak. When I serve with my right hand it is much stronger and I could get aces so there may come a point where I serve with my right hand and switch the racket to my left after service. So back in June I got my ladder competitors on the last rung which is also the worst.
Rung L Ladder Competitors
Game 1 Old Jeremy Jeremy used to be good back in the day. But back in the day was the 60's. He is 75 now and had multiple heart attacks. I first learned of Jeremy's age when he just text "OK" as a reply to "What time would you like to play at?" One thing about tennis is it is ruthless. I learned early that you have to kill your victim or you will be killed yourself. I am serious about this. Leave your guard down or give them a point and they will kill you. The thing about my coach is his big tips are to play to their weaknesses. If you spot their weakness early on the gam is practically won for you. Also the coach always told me to keep playing to their backhand. So being a leftie I can ensure that my forearm shot goes into their backhand ( the advantage of being a leftie)
I spotted old Jeremy's weakness getting out of the car. He was 75 and had 10 heart attacks so I made the auld fucker run alot by using little drop shots by the net.
Blanchy 9 vs Old Jeremy 0
Game 2 Blanchy vs Shelia in the committee Shelia was next up. A mid age Karen who was on the committee. I arrive early like my coach told me to study Shelia and spot her weaknesses. - "Legs like tree trunks" - "Looks angry all the time" - Frame of an American fridge
Now as we get to the point now, you may ask why you don't let them win a game? Well all your games are totalled up so if you win 9-0 and 9-2 . You will get 18 points. However your competitor may win his two games 9-0 and 9-1 so when you play another good player this 1 game could be a factor. So you cannot give games up willy nillingly . Shelia nearly knocked me out with her strong serve. But when I got used to them I used to drop the return near the net. Shelia had no chance. She gave herself a few clear ins when the ball was out but I let her off and did not contest because she was on the commitee so I made sure I despatched her swiftly. Fuck you Shelia,
Blanchy 9 - Shelia 1
Game 3 Blanchy - Jimmy with the one hand 1 I found out off Shelia that the one arm bandit had bet her and old Jeremy so this was the final game and the decider over who got promoted. I knew Jimmy had an obvious disadvantage and the coaches voice was saying in my mind "Play to his bad hand". Now in this case Jimmy didn't have a bad hand. He had no fucking hand. I sat in the car talking to my imaginary coach. But coach I can't play to his bad hand. That's just immoral. The coach came back to me like a scene from star wars. "You have to blanchy. It is the only way. Find the weakness and kill your enemy. Jimmy will be doing the same. Find the weakness."* I was in the car talking to myself when Jimmy tapped on the window. You right? Yes Jimmy sorry lets play. Jimmy won the draw and chose to serve first. Bang- Ball went straight by me. Ace.
15- Love.
Bang another ball straight past me 30 - Love. Two more and he won the first game.
Hmmmmmm, Jimmy is not bad, I am going to be bet here.
My coach got in my head again "Use the force @blanchy play to his ~~bad~~ no hand."
"No coach I cant" I shouted
What did you say Blanchy?? asked Jimmy
Ahhhh nothing Jimmy.
My killer instinct kicked into action. Jimmy hit a return of serve and I aimed the ball right at his feet at his bad ~~no~~ hand. I won my first point. I did it again. Second point. 4 games later and Jimmy copped on what I was up to. He wasn't best happy as he had his eyes on promotion but he could not say it to me either. I knew he knew but I had to get promoted. For my own sake. I could not spend another month at this level. I would be more embarrassing playing Old Jeremy and Shelia again than beating Jimmy dirty. I could always blame my left hand natural shot was going to Jimmy's bad hand. Anyway if it was not for my dirty tactics I would have been easily beaten by Jimmy.
blanchy 9 One handed Jimmy 4
I had now been promoted to rung H . I shall not be stopped. Join my next week when I regale the story of Rung H. It will be alot more competitive with less disabilities.