I hate You I Love You, I have Enough, I Need More
The trials and tribulations of an alcoholic! Wake up it’s a beautiful day, birds are singing, grass is green, to top it off I just need one thing. A drink in my hand, liquor in my cup, no matter how much I drink, it is never enough. Until!
“Enough enough I can’t take this anymore, choose me or that bottle, or I am walking out that door”. But I love you, “it makes me hate you”, I need you “No, I am leaving you”. When will it ever stop when will it all end alcohol you are my only friend. The daily battle of a man, a bottle, and his wife!
I wasted many years chasing a bottle and the bottom of it. Never getting enough only filling my cup. What is this hold this demon this bottle? Wait don't toss it I need to finish that last swallow. The debt, the loss, the love, the cost. Without you I have no courage with you I am a fool, the poison inside of me my weapon my tool.
See alcohol is many things to an alcoholic but a stop is not one of them. For many years I held this secret never able to let it go. Afraid of how the world would view me, my problems, and my past. A last, I finally want to be free and share this deep dark part of me.
I nearly lost it all on a dark night. We were at my mother’s birthday party I had been sitting at the bar drinking nonstop. My wife said no more let’s go home, give me the keys I will drive she said, just lay in the back go to bed.
Angered rage filled me fueled with this alcohol this drink this anger in me. My pride was being damaged I knew I could drive. I yelled, get in! The darkness was becoming madness in my head. Three children mother in law wife all secured. On this death mission we would ride destination unsure.
The road home was long I am sure about this, fading in and out of blackouts losing my temper. One red light two red lights no police around, engine racing heart pacing sanity unwound. I yelled I screamed pressing the gas even more. They prayed for a stop, a cop, wondering among them is this a sign was daddy going to kill us is this our last time.
I wake up alone in the back of my truck, what’s wrong what did I do this time, where is my family where have they gone, vomit in the seat my clothes are torn. I open the back of the truck door I fall to the ground; the birds are all quiet it's dark no sounds. Confused and dazed, discombobulated and dizzy, where is my god why is he not with me.
Alone and lost no bottle no friends, only red in my eyes and blood on my hands. What did you do? I don't remember, did you do it again? I asked myself to remember. Temperance was gone, I blacked out and forgot, alone in my sin, no love in my heart.
Finding my phone on the ground placing it back together one bar one call. I called my wife hello baby where are you, are you safe, what did I do. Where am I what happened, did I hit someone, did I hit you, can you help me, can you come get me, do you still love me?
I cried, rescue me my love! Prayed to my lord, save me my god! Please never let this happen again.
After much time and thought I was at risk of losing my wife I made the call. Hello sir, can you help me I asked, “we have a program twelve steps my friend”. Will they judge me? “No”. Is it anonymous? “Yes”. I'm afraid! “Don't be”. How do I start? “Admit it”. What? “You have a problem”. I do!
Breaking the chains, a last I am free 4 years sober and still trying to get over the demons the past the lies the lust. The life of an alcoholic leave it alone I must.
To get help – “https://www.aa.org/”
You Are Not Alone!
Special Thanks!
@BuddyUp
@Calumam
@QBerry
@Svemirac
You have helped me to find the courage to express my darkness, I may now express the light.
I promise that I will write, create, and cultivate.
Supported Groups and Discord Links
