Well as I finally reach the centennial chapter of m Mommy's Mental Health series, I am so glad to say I somehow made it here with any sanity left, never mind actually feeling happy and hopeful!
The new job is going well, although I am still in the probationary period and I haven't signed anything or received an appointment letter, I think I am well liked in the office and proving my worth.
I took these shots on my 1st day. Gosh I was so nervous! I tried to paint my nails but I kept fudging up the polish. I really just wanted to make a good impression.
Since then, I have received a brand new office chair after complaining that my old one was really hurting my back and broken coccyx. I thought I could just swop it out with a spare somewhere, but my new boss went ahead and bought a brand new one for me! That's got to be a good sign right? At first I tried using my "old lady cushion" on the uncomfortable chair. Then, when I received the new chair, I kept the cushion on, and experienced some hectic pain. After ditching the pillow completely, I am so happy to say it is absolutely wonderful! Fantastic lumbar support and has improved my terrible posture!
Getting into the swing of things has been, well, interesting. I have certainly managed to almost completely eradicate my insomnia, turning myself into a narcoleptic! Lol! Catching sleep wherever I can! After not working at all for so long, the daily grind has definitely winded me. Although, as I go, I have started to develop some sort of rhythm. I am certainly handling the mornings far better than I thought I would!
An added bonus is that they provide fancy coffee at work! I have to be careful to stick to my limit of two cups of coffee a day though, because otherwise I end up with the jitters. As they say, if you already have anxiety but you're tired, all coffee does is make you have anxiety but faster 🤣🤦♀️
All jokes aside though, my mental health has improved a million times since I have started to earn an income and I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. Well, "like" myself, but also not the same as I was before, and that's ok.
The last two years, especially the last few months have been absolutely terrible and that has reshaped my whole being. Depression was completely all consuming and it really felt like I'd lost everything, including the will to live. I job hunted and went for interviews like crazy, and unsuccessfully. I studied, passed and became a university level writer only for the company I was working for to fall apart with the introduction of AI on their website: which offered customers full books in just a few days for a fraction of the price which basically rendered us human writers obsolete. I then tried to start my own baking business, which also turned out to be a giant black hole for money. The reality of people just not being willing to pay for what it costs to make homemade goods really set in after I almost killed myself making Easter and Mother's day goodies and sold nothing.
I have decided, now that I have a job (which I really REALLY hope will become permanent), that I will reserve my passion for baking, to create things for the people I love, rather than ruining it for myself by plowing endless amounts of money and effort into it and getting little to no reward.
Baking for and with my family has helped me hold on to some tiny bit of sanity, especially when things got really dark.
As has my music, even though I have stepped away from live performances for the time being as I rebuild my life.
It's only in hindsight that I realize how bad I had really become. It was terrifying to be in it and terrifying to look back. I hope to God I never have to go through that again. I honestly thought it would never end, or that I would have to inevitably end it. @zakludick was (and still is) a fucking incredible partner and I know he suffered with me. Lord knows we deserve some sunshine in our lives, and this new job is going to allow me to relieve the emotional and financial burden of our entire household that he has been carrying all on his own, while working a very demanding job. It's also going to mean I don't need to stress about paying for my medication (and I have a fuckton of medication).
It also means, if this turns into a permanent and steady gig, that I can dig myself out of my financial hole and start looking toward building a future again. I can dare to hope now.
I am so grateful for what feels like a second chance at life. Now I need to get used to this new woman I have become. And I guess, that's actually pretty damn exciting 🥰😉
