This has basically been me for the last week. I never really know when a flareup of symptoms (mostly pain)will happen, but it's usually linked to me pushing myself too hard and not being able to say no.
So, even few days before our show at Andy's Club, I gave @jasperdick and the organizers a heads-up that I wouldn't be able to make the show. I basically never say "no" to a gig and I have to be "bleeding through the eyeballs" - a term coined from my restaurant days about missing shifts and sick leave - for me to back out.
After a visit to the Dr, which I really couldn't afford, I got a shot of Voltaren, which has made a WORLD of difference. The only thing that's a problem with Voltaren shots is that It makes you feel all better and tends o mask symptoms, making you prone to reinjury.
I am glad I said no, although the guilt was overwhelming for leaving my musical partner on his own, I had to do what was best for me.
My mom arrived from England yesterday- her final voyage home, and I wasn't even in any shape to go fetch her from the airport. It's been a sort of tradition that I have fetched her every time she came home, but this time, I just couldn't do it. After my pain meds kicked in yesterday, I had delusions of grandeur about showing up at the airport as well as a cameo appearance at the gig, but the little "selfcare voice" in my head told me to just keep resting, and I am so glad I listened.
On another note, my beautiful friend who is an extremely talented graphic designer, sent me an image for the tattoo I have been wanting so badly.
The original idea was to remind myself of who I really am - despite the self-doubt voices, before shows and to help me with stage fright as well as the feeling of being lost in general and to bring me back to, well, me.
I originally wanted the tattoo to cover some unsightly scares - self inflicted as a teen, but I also chose a wrist tattoo because it's easy to see when I need it most.
So, my friend came up with this ... well... perfect design. The guitar would be facing me though which would mean the scars would still be slightly visible. My friend reminded me that no matter how dark our experiences and the scares they leave behind are, they shape who we grow into. And as much as I wanted to completely erase those memories, that's not how it works. Not even therapy works like that. Therapy just teaches us to learn to live with our past and not to let us be controlled by fear.
