I haven’t written in a long time. Like a long time. Like months. I feel like I’ve been bunking school, or lying, or cheating. But I know the only person I've been cheating is myself. I finally found my voice and then I forgot it and now I feel guilty.
I didn’t mean to and it’s not quite as bad as it seems, but either way, I forgot my voice, period. I could say I’ve spent the last few months finding my feet. Getting into gear. Actually doing something. And that would be true, to a certain extent. I’ve braved the world physically, put myself out there to create something new and pushed myself to do it to the best of my abilities. It’s been - touch wood - resoundingly successful thus far and served as a much needed reminder of what I’m capable of when I put my mind to something. But at the same time it’s illustrated how I struggle to find balance, or harmony, or a middle ground in my life. All or nothing, once again. One new good thing happens and I let go of the one good thing that was there before, all the way back when nothing else was. When I started my life over writing was the one thing that kept me grounded, that gave me faith that I was following my truth, that allowed me to believe that nothing that felt so natural and pure and good could be wrong. It helped me get to the point where I was brave enough to try again and strong enough to believe that I could, and then I forgot it. I stopped making time for it. I let it slip down my list of priorities until it was no more. Until I hadn’t written in months and until I realised all it had been for me before. When the grounding it had given me started lifting and the surety is allowed me to feel had slipped away, that’s when I realised I missed it, that I’d been missing it and that I needed to find my way back.
So here I am. I feel both sad at the way I let go of something so important and extremely grateful to have found my way back. No matter how or how long it took.
The last five minutes of thinking, feeling, expressing and typing have been some of the most satisfying and comforting minutes I’ve had in a while. They’ve served their purpose. When I struggle to find the motivation to practise I’ve always said to myself, just get on the mat, just sit there and it will come. And it always does. Sometimes it’s better than others, sometimes it’s easier, smoother and stronger but regardless, it comes. Something that wouldn’t have otherwise come. A feeling that wouldn’t have otherwise been felt. And I’m always grateful. I think it’s the same thing with writing. Just open a new document. Just sit down and put your fingers on the keys. Just open your heart and your mind and feel. Whatever’s there. Sometimes it’s better than others, sometimes it’s easier, smoother and stronger but regardless, it comes. Something that wouldn't have otherwise come. I'm glad to be back in my virtual home, despite all the ups and downs in the crypto/blockchain world right now, there's that familiar sense of home here and I'm so happy to be back. I promise not to disappear for quite so long next time and I promise to fill you in on what I've been up to but for now I just wanted to break the ice and write. I hope 2018 has been kind to you all so far, we'll speak soon.
Love,
Daisy ♡ xx