Only For A Month

Time? I thought they say time and tide wait for no one? So you wouldn't blame my sixteen-year-old self for saying yes to that handsome dude, would you? His name is Josh. Every detail about us, the short time we had together, is still stuck in my head. I mean, you still remember your first love, don't you?  *Image Source: ChatGPT* I was fourteen when Josh asked me out. Mind you, right from the time, I've always seen myself as an adult trapped in the body of a child or teenager. So when I say ‘fourteen’, I mean I was already thinking, speaking, and acting like a twenty-year-old. Josh asked me to be his girlfriend, and I felt it wasn't the right time. In a way, I believed the saying, “There is time for everything.” But because I didn't want to lose him, I told him I would be ready in the next two years, after I had graduated from high school. Guess his reply? “I will wait for you. Even if it takes longer than that, I have enough time for you.” And immediately, something clicked inside me. Although the feeling was more like ten butterflies leaping for joy in my belly, I knew I had found the one who truly loved me. Phew! Nobody told me that teenage fantasies are short-lived. The ‘waiting’ adventure continued. Year one crawled by but it eventually passed. And before the end of year two, he finished his National Diploma (ND). I was proud. My man-to-be was on his way to becoming a computer scientist! You should see how I bragged about him before my friends. Fast forward to the second year, the moment I finished my Senior School Certificate Examinations (SSCE) and pulled off the High School hat, I didn't hesitate another second to give him the long-awaited answer, as I was sure that “Time and tides wait for no one.” At that point, nothing else rang in my ears. All I wanted to believe was that we were young couples, in love with each other and at the right time. Apart from my friends who shared in our newfound journey, no soul in my home knew about it. A Nigerian teenager? With an African mother like mine? She'd flog out every spirit of love from your body should she catch you with any boy. But then, trust me to play my cards well. Josh and I had a beautiful time together. Well, for the first few days, the butterflies in my belly did not let me rest a bit. If they weren't dancing, they were jumping. By all means, the tingling sensations within me never stopped for a moment. For a twenty-year-old guy, Josh loved me in the best ways he could. He showered me with gifts — gifts I always hid in my wardrobe — wrote me plenty of love letters, and made me feel valued and seen. But the only challenge was that I was a teenager, still discovering myself, and so the relationship was affected. There were days I woke up with uncertainty. Other days, I had questions deeply seated in me about life and the future, of which he had no satisfactory answers. I felt I was doing the wrong thing keeping a secret relationship. I asked questions, too. “For how long are we going to be in this relationship?” His answers were always the same. “For as long as we're alive. And even when we get married, you won't stop being my girlfriend.” But that wasn't the answer I needed. I needed something concrete. Like a time frame. But Josh was so deep in love he didn't care about anything else. The relationship began to witness a timeout. Gradually, I began to drift apart. The questions in my head and a deep-seated quest for the real me began to do a lot inside me, and I started giving Josh cold feet. One month into the relationship, I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Josh noticed I was always distant and he thought initiating romance would stir up whatever was dying. I remember the day we kissed. Phew! I forced myself to feel something. I did feel it. At least for that moment. But that was all. The moment I stepped into my room, I picked up my phone and typed him a message. “Jay, I don't think I want to go with this relationship anymore. I'm not feeling myself.” I dumped my phone on my bed and sighed deeply. “Wait, is this the relationship they always talk about?” I asked myself. Josh called several times but I ignored his calls. My friends called. His friends did the same. Yes, I saw their calls, and although my eyes were misty, I couldn't bring myself to pick up their calls. What would I say was my reason for ending things? For days, I was withdrawn, tortured by the consequences of my decision. But now, looking back at that one-month experience, I can still say that although time and tide wait for no one, there is time for everything.