I had a short spat with someone. It was very short but had the potential to spiral into something bigger. As short (and probably insignificant) as it was, I immediately felt bad after it was over. I kept repeating to myself, “I should have just walked away.”
Now, I really should have because first, I didn’t really know this person and second, it was very obvious we had completely different opinions, and it was also obvious that we both possessed a fiery personality. She wanted to be right and I just wanted to explain myself which inevitably led to a misunderstanding.
As I took time to reflect on what had occurred, I realised that walking away, or in this case, just apologising and ignoring an offensive comment would have been the best course of action. I did myself a great injustice replying at all. It was educative anyway. I was reminded once again that people will not always see eye to eye and walking away doesn’t always signify weakness or cowardice.
First, I apologised to myself for letting my emotions rule me again. It’s very easy to get caught up in the moment and lose sight of what matters or what will matter down the line. I guess this will forever be the chasm that separates growth and fixed mindsets. One chooses to rise above the situation (even when it feels like you’re losing the upper hand) and the other chooses to remain static, seeing things from a very narrow perspective.
We can all be hostages to our backgrounds and experiences or we can use these things not as definitives but a preview to all we can become, all we can achieve. I asked myself if I really tried to understand where she was coming from or if I just reacted because she indirectly insulted me. The truth is, I reacted more than I care to admit. What she said hurt me because I was thinking we were both adults. Seems people really treat you differently when they get to know your age.
Point is, I could have handled it better by just ignoring her. This would not leave a good taste in my mouth but it would definitely not bring me lower than I felt. She put me down with words, I gave her power through my actions. In a nutshell, I could have handled it better.
This got me thinking on all my relationships and interactions. Maybe this was the same events that occurred with strangers I had forgotten or even friends that I had cut off. My thoughts immediately changed from “I should have just walked away” to “When do I walk away?”
The answer was almost instant. Views and opinions will always differ based on race, background, etc. I can try to understand the actions of someone but I can’t fully understand it until I am inserted in the factors (or situations) that made them who they are today. This rarely happens though and so, we may be stuck at an impasse. This would lead to unwanted friction that could go on to damage something bigger if we let it.
Hence, I now know when to walk away. Once it begins to look familiar. I won’t shut you down but I’ll tell you what you want to hear. I think we as adults can tell the difference between a fixed and growth mindset. One who is ready to see through your eyes doesn’t shut you down or make you feel small by attacking your age or nationality. Rather, they listen to understand and then both parties reach a consensus.
On the other hand, the fixed mindset attacks, defends and makes excuses. It doesn’t accept responsibility and it never sees the need to apologise or acknowledge fault. That’s not who I am or who I will be. So, I promised to extract myself from any situation that seems like I’m trying too hard to “explain” stuff or get you to see things as they are. There is really no right and wrong way. Every single act is always part of a process. It could be a process of growth or something else, but it’s building momentum.
Life itself isn’t short. Not to me. The moments that make up life though, those are short. Happy, sad, angry, confused, frustrated, excited are all part of moments. So is peace, chaos, growth, failure and success. These are the waves that make up the ocean and for the life of me, I plan to ride each one as hard as I can. I have chosen to trust the process.
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