Hello to my fellow Steemians! Your support for my earlier posts is so overwhelming that it makes me want to keep coming back here. I thankyou immensely for the love.
I thought I’ll do a blog post this time instead of a video, because whenever I tried shooting for this, I ended up in tears. My makeup melted away and I felt naked. Stripped off of conscious efforts to keep smiling no matter what. My brain kept telling me I had to look pretty and I had to remain calm... but cutting out the bullshit, I turned off my camera and realised I’m not capable of talking about this side of me with a straight face. And it’s okay if I don’t want to show myself like that to the world.
What I’m about to share with you is my true and raw self speaking a 1000 mindful words in hope of inspiring another 18 year old Donna somewhere to take charge of her life. It wouldn’t matter to me at this point if this post doesn’t garner much attention, because this one goes out to those who are going through something like this, and all I want to tell you is, that there is still hope for you. This is not the end, you will get better and you will fly high if you believe that you will. Because I did.
2 years ago on the 8th of July 2015, I broke a sweat, vigorously swimming for an hour, exhausted and late for my dance lesson. I was 18 years old back then and was always high on energy no matter what. I loved myself, I loved what I was doing with my music career, I had no insecurities - body and mind, I was an extrovert who had a massive group of friends who meant pretty much the world to me as a teenager.
As I was running late, I started to rush. I was exiting the premise and I accidentally slipped on a wet marble staircase, landed on the edge of a step, on my tail bone and went sliding all the way down the stairs on my back. In those 3 very painful seconds, I heard my spine shatter. The cracks echoed in my ear while I was trying to shut out the pain. But it didn’t, and it eventually made it’s way out through deafening screams. I was in the hospital for 3 days, slipping in and out of consciousness, as though my brain refused to cause me more pain by keeping me awake. I had 2 serious fractures, 3 hairline, massive compression just above my tail bone and a gap caused due to the compression, all in my spine. Ya, I got messed up pretty bad. When it was time to take me home for the long bed rest, I was screaming and howling in pain all the way from the gate to my bedroom because the only way to get there was by walking.
The next 6 months... I made little progress. But mentally, I was broken. Shattered. Scarred. A girl who was independent, a traveller, who loved outdoors, had a blasting social life was now confined to four white walls, incapable of walking, incapable of doing things “normal” people did. I felt alone, dependent and miserable.
My regular friends visited me for four weeks. My best friends visited me for 6 weeks. And then... everyone was gone. Eventually the phone stopped buzzing, and the only people who I saw apart from my family were passerby’s on the street through my window. It’s like time had stopped for me but not for everyone else. I was suppose to be checking out colleges, filling applications, applying for scholarship because I wanted to study music abroad but I just couldn’t because of my physical disability. I wasn’t like ‘normal’ people anymore. The darkest phase taught me how life was so fragile, and I should be glad I survived with no major complication. I guess one of the hardest things for me back then was to try and NOT slip into depression. Because when I saw myself in the mirror after 6 months, I saw that I had grown fat because of sleeping and laying down all the time. I couldn’t accept this new version of me. I started to get insecure of things that I never thought of before. My face, my body, my skin, the stretch marks,.. I was in shock. I used to be 55 kgs,... and now after the accident. I hit 106kgs. I hated me. I hated all of me.
I started walking again after a year, but I was still in pain and overweight. I had no confidence left, I had college seniors picking on me, teachers yelling at me for missing college because I needed to rest my back, and was always getting into trouble for not being able to do things due to my health condition. The head of department even asked me to quit college if I can’t show up more frequently and to sit at home, if my back pains so much. It was a taunt.
People were ignorant and hurtful. But I forgive them today as I write this post. Thankyou for not believing in me because I am the only one who has to. Thankyou for not helping me because I’m the only one who can. Thankyou for causing me pain because it has made me immune. And most of all, thankyou for making fun of the way I looked back then, or else I would’ve never gotten out of my comfort zone to pursue becoming the best version of me, body, mind and soul.
Today as I write, am yet again a strong, beautiful and independent woman, a little more wiser, a hell lot stronger and a badass performer.
I am motivated, driven and compelling towards my weight loss story. I learnt a very important lesson through all of this that I want you, my reader to know. NEVER. EVER. EVERRR. STOP. BELIEVING. IN. YOURSELF.
EVER.
I want you to know that I have matured as a 20 year old, have fewer friends and most importantly I have accepted myself.
I really really love who I am and I am blessed to be a part of this world.
I am determined to lose weight because I want to live a healthy and long life but the first step before all this was pure acceptance and love.
I have found my one true love, @mistavirus , who is with me on this wonderful journey, as a guide, counsellor, listener, friend, lover and my main support system throughout these 5 years of friendship and 2 years of love. If you feel you have nobody to vouch for you, you need to know I am right here. Because I understand your pain.
So don’t shy away from those mirrors anymore. Don’t hesitate to look yourself in the eye and say you fucking love yourself because you have the power and mind to be who ever the heck you want to be. I am here for you. I am here to help you if you need me. If you wish to reach out to me, I’m listening.
Thankyou for taking the time to read my story. I hope I will get to read yours.
With love, DC.
Me before the accident : @55kgs
Me after the accident : @106kgs
Me now : @95kgs
