Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
**Español**
Quiero hablarte, buscarte, ya sabes, ahogarme en esa patética manera de necesitarte. quiero llamarte, perderme en ese sentir que me provoca escuchar tu voz. Quiero dormir de nuevo contigo en las llamadas, y al despertar ver que aún estás. Quiero volver a eso, a las noches que eran nuestras y quedarme ahí un segundo más, y otro, y otro... y así para hasta por siempre.
Pero debemos despertar en la realidad, donde ninguno de los dos nos tenemos despertando en esta vida, donde somos convicto, deseando sueños y viviendo pesadillas. Supongo que al final nada llegará.
Una vez una de sus amigas me escribió: "Andá a buscarla, te está esperando, ella te quiere, te echa de menos y te necesita" Su amiga tenía toda la jodida razón del mundo. Claro que nadie olvida de la noche a la mañana, nadie te suelta la mano así por qué sí. Pero nuestra relación ya venía tambaleando desde hacía dos meses seguidos, éramos una montaña rusa de emociones y sentimientos encontrados; orgullo, frustración y depresión. Un día estábamos arriba y al otro bajo tierra.
Yo también la necesito —le dije. Entonces ve y !buscala! —me reclamó. La amiga estaba que me quería matar, pero al parecer no sabía todo lo que nosotros habíamos vivido como pareja; no sabía, a pesar que era su mejor amiga. Así que esa tarde me bañé, prepararé algo de comida que tenía en el refrigerador y me fui para su departamento. Fui a buscarla. Estando en su edificio, toqué la puerta pasaron unos segundos y escuche unos pasos. Me abrió la puerta, se sorprendió al verme. Quise darle un abrazo pero me ganó la impotencia. Era una mujer enojada y un sujeto idiota en la puerta de su casa, tratando de buscar las palabras para fluir en una conversación.
–¿A qué viniste? —me preguntó –Quiero que hablemos. –Dale entra —me dijo mirándome con desprecio.
Tenía los ojos rojos, estaba toda demacrada, me miraba con rabia, no me decía nada.
–Dale empieza pues —me dijo– ¿A eso viniste no? Entonces le dije todo lo que yo sentía, lo que me pasaba, le hablé de nosotros, de la relación; se me fueron las lágrimas, a ella también, quise abrazarla, no me dejó. Nunca le mencioné a la amiga en cuestión. Lo único que me dijo es que; ella sabía lo que quería en su vida y que yo ya no estaba en esos planes. Obvio que me dolió, pero no había más que pudiera hacer fue una punzada en el pecho, un disparo a quemarropa, una bala perdida. Asentí con la cabeza, le pedí un último abrazo, no me lo dio. Terrible. 15 minutos fueron suficientes para arrancar todo de raíz, abrí la puerta y miré para atrás ella rendida en su cama sin decirme nada. Yo sin querer irme pero me fuí. Caminé tres o cuatro cuadras y ella me llamó. atendí y me dijo "Gracias por tanto y perdón por tan poco". Se iba en llanto. Me dolía en el alma escucharla así, quería volver a llamarla decirle que la quería volver a buscarla pero no. Ya no. Era volver a lo mismo. Me estaba soltando, que valiente de su parte, tremenda mujer. Yo no lo hubiera hecho nunca.
Photo by Gilles Lambert on Unsplash
Pasaron 4 años, yo aún sigo frecuentando "esos lugares especiales". Al que íbamos, esperando que algún día te pueda ver, y te invite un café cargado, con poca azúcar. Ese es tu favorito, pues me decías que te despertaba inmediatamente.
Si aquí sigo esperando un milagro. Aunque en el fondo pienso que es mejor que pare de hacer esta mierda. Empiezo a pensar que haberte dejado, no fue lo más adecuado. Quisiera llamarte una vez más.
Me creí tu magia, saboree tu piel, y aunque esto es una tragedia, al menos encontré el final
Dorian A
**English**
***I want to talk to you, look for you, you know, drown myself in that pathetic way of needing you. I want to call you, lose myself in that feeling that makes me want to hear your voice. I want to go back to sleep with you in the calls and when I wake up to see that you're still You're still there. I want to go back to that to the nights that were and stay there one more second, and one more, and one more... and so on and so on forever.
***But we must wake up in reality, where none of us have awakening in this life, where we are convicts, wishing dreams and living nightmares. I guess nothing will come of it in the end.
Once one of her friends wrote to me: "Go look for her, she's waiting for you, she loves you, she misses you and needs you". Her friend was absolutely right. Of course, no one forgets overnight, nobody lets go of your hand just like that. But our relationship had already been on the rocks for two months in a row, we were a rollercoaster of emotions and mixed feelings; pride, frustration and depression. One day we were up and the next we were down.
I need her too," I said. Then go and get it! -she demanded. My friend wanted to kill me, but apparently she didn't know everything we had been through we had been through as a couple; she didn't know, even though I was her best friend. So that afternoon I took a bath, prepared some food that I had in the fridge some food I had in the fridge and went to his flat. To her flat. I went to look for her. While I was in her building, I knocked on the door. A few seconds passed and I heard footsteps. She opened the door and was surprised to see me. I wanted to give her a hug but I was overcome with helplessness. It was an angry woman and an idiot guy at her front door, trying to find the words to flow into a conversation.
Why are you here? -she asked. -I want to talk. -Come in," he said, staring at me.
Her eyes were red, she was haggard, she was looking at me angrily, He looked at me angrily, he said nothing.
So it begins," he said, "that's why you came, isn't it? So I told her everything I was feeling, what was happening to me, I told him about us, about the relationship, I told her about us, about the relationship; tears came to my eyes, I wanted to hug her, but she wouldn't let me. I never mentioned the friend in question. The only thing she told me was that she knew what she wanted in her life and that I was no longer in those plans. I was no longer in those plans. Of course it hurt, but there was nothing more I could do. What I could do was a stab in the chest, a point-blank shot, a stray bullet. I nodded, asked for one last hug, he didn't give it to me. Terrible. 15 minutes was enough to uproot everything, I opened the door everything uprooted, I opened the door and looked at her. She was lying on her bed without saying anything to me. I didn't want to leave but I left. I walked three or four blocks and she called me. I answered and she said "Thank you for so much and sorry for so little". She left in tears. It hurt my soul to hear her like that, I wanted to call her back and tell her that I wanted to look for her again, but no. No more. It was going back to the same thing. She was letting me go, how brave of her, what a woman. I would never have done that.
4 years went by, I'm still going to frequenting "those special places". The one we used to go to, hoping that someday I could see you, and invite you for a strong coffee with little sugar. That's your favourite, because you used to tell me that it would I woke you up immediately.
I'm still waiting for a miracle. Although deep down I think that it's better that I stop doing this shit. I'm starting to think that having left you, was not the right thing to do. I would like to call you one more time.
I believed your magic, I tasted your skin, and though this is a tragedy, at least I found the end
.
Dorian A