This won't interest anyone else, and I don't know if it will ever reach the ones it is for, but I want to get it on the blockchain. I won't be able to say everything I'd like to say (in the public forum) but it's much better than nothing.
Something's gone wrong, and it seems this physical body doesn't have another 50 years, as I had hoped it would. There have been some fantastic times, no doubt about it. But I was playing the long game, biding my time, holding back for the second half. I was operating under the assumption I wouldn't die in my 50s, but suddenly that's no longer a given.
I guess what I'm saying is, with ongoing nerve and heart problems, I no longer feel confident I'm going to get to everything on my grand "to-do" list, such as saying certain things to certain people. It's hard to know if I've got a week, or a year, or a decade. Maybe this letter will (now or some day) get to the ones I don't have an open line of communication with.
To the women I have loved, in chronological order:
My ex wife,
When you've been betrayed, you ask yourself "was it EVER real?" I know you've wondered that about us, about me. Part of you won't like hearing this, but I think it's important. Yes, it was real. I absolutely did love you. Truly; In some measures, I've never loved anyone as much as you. Or in the WAY I loved you. Another truth is, in some aspects, I still do. It's not possible, loving someone like that and sharing what we did, for it to ever go completely away.
We weren't good TO each other, and we both now recognize that we weren't right FOR each other. We didn't really know each other very well back then. And we didn't know ourselves very well, either. I did much of my growing up and becoming an adult around about the time we became parents.
I did you wrong, I hurt you. Apologies only go so far, but I do owe you that. I am sorry. That was one of the hardest parts of my whole life, and yes, if I could go back and do it again, there are things I would change.
But as for meeting you, being with you, loving you, and having children with you? I have never regretted that. We created two amazing people, and that makes it worthwhile. Thank you for all the good things you've done for them. I've thought about them every single day since the last time I saw them. Actually, since they were born. I've never stopped loving them and I never will. I really hope they meet their younger half brother and sister. As the only person who has known all 4 of them, I have to say they would make an amazing team!
My hope is that you come to the realization that I didn't leave you to hurt you (though that has been one of the results). It was, from my heart of hearts, only because I was certain we weren't right together. I knew that before you did, that's all. We weren't happy, and weren't a good fit, and weren't going to make it. I was seriously struggling. That doesn't excuse the way I disregarded your feelings and abused your trust, and I'll always regret not finding a better way.
Thank you so much for all you did for me and for our children. I'm very happy you're in a good situation these days. I hold no grudges, and hope that if you can't already say the same, that these words (or my death) allow you to finally let yours go. I genuinely only want the best for you.
This isn't all that could be said, but it's all that should be said here. As always, I remain hopeful for an open channel, and will gladly go over all this and more if I get that chance.
S
Our online relationship flourished with a large element of fantasy, sometimes to the point of getting carried away in it. Most of it didn't survive the transfer to everyday life. We loved hard and wild, but eventually, we had got everything we could from each other. Many of the things that brought us crashing together had fizzled out. I now realize all those predictions you would someday betray and hurt me were actually warnings, your conscience forcing you on some level to admit your plans. I just wish you'd found some other way to go about it.
I thought about you every day for many years. We missed you, especially at night, on the back deck. At first, your memory haunted me. Then, it motivated me, and left me with a fading sense of fondness. Eventually, I encountered other things to be devastated about. I have forgiven you for doing your best to ruin me. I've accepted that I'll never understand why. If we ever meet again, all you'll get from me is a smile. I hope you have found the contentedness that has always eluded you, and wish you nothing but the best in life.
Katelyn
My girl, sweetheart, wife, mother of my children, and love of my life. I have loved you deeply, and for longer than anyone else put together. Mercifully, I'm still with you, and I can tell (and have already told) you the most important stuff. While I'm at it though, I'd like to say a few more things.
I want to be sure you know that I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing. Yes, our lives kind of fell into the spot we're in now, or so it seems. But never for a minute think I'm with you, or raising these amazing children with you, by accident. Obviously, I wish certain things were different, but you aren't one of them.
We changed the world together, more than once. We were at the place and time to alter the course of human history, and we not only accepted the challenge, but we succeeded. Most of that won't be seen until later, but we didn't do it to be seen. We did it because it was the right thing to do, and we had the opportunity to do it. I'm proud of you. I once told you "you have a chance... make something of it!" You did, and you never stopped. Together, we hit soaring highs. Thank you for being with me for those moments, and all the others too.
You're a force of Nature, and completely unique. You have what it takes to make it, and I believe in you. I've been blessed to have you in my life! I wish we could have more years together, taking on the challenges of this world, more than just about anything else. It has truly been my pleasure. I love you, my favourite.
(My 4 beloved children; I will do my best to say much more to you directly, but what I want to say most here is... I have loved you every day of your lives. Thank you for the time we did have together, and for forgiving my mistakes. I'm proud of you! Please look out for each other and your mothers going forward.)
Please don't take this as an exhaustive list of everything that should be said. If my health permits me more time, I will say more, individually if possible.
29 Sept 2025 DRutter