For those that don’t know, I met Sarah back in 2016 on Steemit and we had a very public courtship that included an engagement post.
I’ve tried to write an update to that post many times, but with the loss of my eyesight and the struggles of an intercontinental relationship that included my arrest in a foreign country, I haven’t been the best blogger.
So, the big day started with a bang, I was downstairs rocking out to Billy Idol’s - White Wedding and Sex Pistol’s – No Future, while Sarah and my mother were hidden away upstairs, making Sarah look perfect.
Later, I found out that my mother was horrified by my song choices and Sarah was dying of envy, because she was stuck listening to my mom’s favorite CD of Christmas songs performed by dead people that no one ever wants to hear.
When we showed up at the courthouse I wish I could say that Sarah looked lovely, but in all honesty, she looked a little bloated, but that didn’t stop me. I just kept asking weird questions, like “How warm are your feet right now?”
Then the judge came in and in front of my whole family, I proceeded to throw my life away. The judge opened with a lecture on marriage and gave us rules about how to argue and she told us to never follow each other around while arguing and to never run to other people complaining about our arguments, too bad Sarah wasn’t listening, because she can be a real asshole sometimes, you wouldn't believe what she did last Tuesday.
Anyways, the judge told me to repeat some strange things that I hope were not important because I can’t remember what they were. Then it was Sarah’s turn, but she wasn’t as good at parroting as me, because out of nowhere, she burst into tears. I wasn’t expecting this and I tried to console her, but then she pulled herself together and continued.
We then exchanged rings, said some “I do’s!” kissed, and lived happily ever-after… Well, until the judge began hitting me.
I’m not sure how stuff like this always happens to me, but I was being a bit obnoxious with my professional wrestling poses during the photo-shoot and then:
Wammm!!!
The Judge pimp slapped me across the back of my head. Startled, I looked over at the lunatic dressed in black, who then said, “I have kids, so, I’m allowed to do that!”
Everybody began to laugh, so, I shrugged it off as if this was a normal occurrence and I began to pose properly to avoid anymore abuse from the American judicial system.
As we continued letting the Kodak company steal our souls, one flash at a time, Sarah kept complaining about how bloated she looked and I was getting worried that this might ruin her day, so, I offered a few white lies to make her feel better, but she could see through my carefully crafted subterfuge and I was powerless.
Then we proceeded to Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen to celebrate, but Sarah’s bloating was getting out of hand, she was literally ballooning up as if she had just eaten some weird berries from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. As you can imagine, Sarah was really disappointed that she couldn’t even eat her deep fried sea-monsters in cajun seasoning, so, we took her wedding dinner home in the saddest doggy bag that you had ever seen.
As soon as we arrived, Sarah went straight to the bathroom and I think she spent over an hour in there, making sounds that no man should ever hear. That’s when I realized that she was playing her “In sickness and in health” card earlier than I would have ever imagined. Sarah had caught a virus that had her bed ridden for about a week, but as always I was the perfect husband in every way and I didn’t even get too angry when my dinners were a little late, I even waited a week before I buttered her bread.
Anyways, there is a lot more that I need to catch you up on: some happy moments; some that were tragic; but I want to keep this instalment short and light-hearted.
None of this would have happened without the years of upvotes from you guys, that we used to pay for all of our expenses: the rings; the wedding dress; and all the international flights.
So, thank you!
