When I turned 9, we moved to the States for my Dad’s work. During the first few months, we were living in rented accommodation in a small gated community and I hadn’t yet started school. Apart from a few hours messing around in the public pool, there wasn’t much to do for a kid with no friends, so I would find entertainment in drawing, playing with my Barbies and listening to music. It was at this time that I discovered a couple of my Mum’s CDs that she had brought from the UK and I instantly fell in love with Mariah Carey’s album Music Box. I literally played it on an indefinite loop all day and memorised all the lyrics.
It was my first experience of getting lost in music and I spent many hours daydreaming. Through her songs I heard about love, loss and joy. Being too young and impressionable to know any better, I got the idea that to be happy in life, I had to be loved by a man.
As I got older, my passion for music continued but instead of spending hours plugged into my CD Walkman, I’d sit in front of the TV watching music video after music video. There was no YouTube in those days.
This was where I got my first introduction the way females are portrayed in popular culture. From backup dancers to solo artists, I clearly got the message that as a woman, wearing lots of makeup, showing skin, tight clothes and being a tease where the keys to getting a man (AND being successful in life).
Looking back, it’s so clear to see why I had such distorted perceptions of femininity and love. There just wasn’t any other message out there at the time. Even the women in my life would only ever talk about finding a man and how important image was.
In fact, everything seemed to only revolve around men and how to impress them.
I cringe at the time wasted pitting my self-worth on my physical appearance and believing that the only way to attract a man was dependent on how I dressed and how perfect my makeup was.
Even as a young adult, I still held the belief that no man would be interested in the space between my ears. I had to be “cute and sexy” - the “ideal” combination. Ridiculous, but it worked. The amount of times guys would tell me how I was their “dream woman” would be enough to make a fellow woman vomit.
Because let’s face it, we’re all taught that how we look is important in hooking a man. Only after that can you let your intelligence shine. But, even then, we’re warned to make sure we don’t make him feel inferior, because heaven forbid you might be smarter or more educated than him.
“Be coy and play dumb”.
This post makes me sound like I’m bitter, and maybe I am a bit. But I shouldn’t be because I got lucky in finding my fiancé; the only man I’ve ever met who truly loves and accepts me for who I am and doesn’t give a shit if I’m wearing makeup or not. As long as I’m happy, that’s all that matters to him.
Yet how many girls today are growing up in this modern world that is still so obsessed with a women’s image, where women like Kim Kardashian become overnight celebrities and ridiculously rich off of an illicit sex tape? A world where young girls are overly sexualised in Vogue, all in the name of fashion? Where women are praised for "looking hot"? Where having a man and being married is considered a success and being single is seen as a problem?
There are strong role models out there these days but they don’t get as much exposure because unfortunately in western society, sex sells.
I know we should never have regrets, but I do wish I had had come across more positive and realistic examples of women when I was younger. Maybe then I wouldn’t have wasted so many years and compromised my self-worth in sake of finding love.
Anyway, one thing that I know for sure is that if I ever become a mother to a little girl, I’ll make sure she understands how valuable she is, irrespective of her outer beauty and physicality. I’ll introduce her to strong, independent women, CEOs for high flying businesses, activists fighting for human rights and scientists working to cure cancer.
To me, there is so much more to life as a woman than focusing on being beautiful and having a romantic relationship. Sure, it feels wonderful to be praised and raising a family can be one of the most rewarding things ever but it’s not the only thing we should be taught to focus on as young girls!
As women, we can be so much more.
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