I've experienced this kind of moment several times in my life. For one reason or another, I fall into the harsh embrace of depression. It's not clinical; I don't need treatment, just a little affection from someone who truly loves me.
But beyond that, what I want to reflect on is my reaction to the world around me. Usually, my reaction is to isolate myself.
But you have to understand that isolation isn't a phenomenon in itself, but rather part of the general apathy that pervades me when I'm like this. The same apathy that stops me from doing what I want to do, as I mentioned in the previous post. That same apathy that kills the desire to do even the things that would actually make me feel better, leading to the illusion that even doing what makes you feel good requires too much effort; it's better to rot in bed scrolling through a video after another.
And after all this preamble, I'll get to the point: posting. Showing myself alive on social media. Including Hive. Does it make sense to do it anyway, even if I'm experiencing this condition? The beauty of Hive is that to be present, I don't have to show off like on Instagram or TikTok. I just have to write. But I'm aware that I'm feeling bad and that negative thoughts have taken over my brain now. So I ask myself: does it make sense to come here and write what's on my mind, if I know it's probably going to be negative? How much longer can I push before people get tired of me and my discomfort?
Don't worry, it won't last long... I hope. But in the meantime, maybe it's better if I shut up and make an effort to share only the good and interesting things, instead of sterile complaints that only serve to let me vent momentarily.
Or not? Is Hive built different? Yet it's still made up of human beings, and we know that dealing with complainers for too long makes you lose the desire to interact with them.
I write here on the flame because this is the fire burning inside me right now. I let it burn a bit, hoping not to do any damage.
I know you can be nice to me and reassure me: "No, don't worry. You're safe here, you can vent, no one will hate you for this." But I know what happens in your brain when you deal with serial complainers. That little annoyance that builds inside you, and grows post after post until you decide you've had enough and, for your own sanity, you'd rather block the complainer and never see their posts again.
My self-preservation instinct kicks in, and I know I'm already pushing the envelope with this post. If you never see me complaining about my mental state again, it will mean one of two things: either I've gotten over it; or I've managed to resist the urge to come here and complain again.
I hate myself when I wallow in complaints because I know how hateful it is to those around me.
May my fire turn back to red and yellow soon 🔥
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