I do a lot of thinking. I think in the shower. I think when I walk. I think when I'm at the gym, but I think my most absurd thinking happens when I sit inside my car at the automatic car wash.
I first had the thought of a zombie apocalypse breaking out while I was oblivious inside a car wash several years ago. Now, it is a mental ritual. Each time the little red light tells me "stop" and the soap starts to spray on the windshield, I wonder.
What would I do in the first five minutes of knowing there's a zombie apocalypse occurring?
There haven't been many depictions of zombie apocalypses happening while people are in a car wash, but if there are, they must be really niche interpretations of cinema or fiction. But that is exactly what happens in mind, every time I go through a car wash.
The radio is off. The engine is silent. The seat is comfortable enough. The soap is cleaning my car's paintwork.
I wouldn't run for the hills. I wouldn't be panicking and buying fuel. I always put fuel in before I go into the car wash. I'd probably calmly drive home, reverse into my garage, put the keys away and think "yep, that happened."
What about after I got home?
Once I had close the garage door, and entered the safe domain of my home, I'd create a spreadsheet. Spreadsheets can solve all the problems.
First, I would inventory the food stores, the freezer, the pantry. The other places. Probably curse at the fact that I didn't install bidets in the toilets sooner. Try to order one on Amazon, but be grateful for my stocks of laundry powder. If there's a zombie apocalypse out there, I won't need formal slacks, and wool-cotton blend probably makes excellent re-usable wash-rags.
Then, I'd tend to the garden. Probably curse at the fact I didn't plant potatoes. This is increasingly becoming a to do list.
Once I had projected the necessary nutritional requirements, and the available calories, and the meal availability, that would be the amount of time I'd conceivably be able to stay alive. As things will probably get worse as time goes on ...
I'd have to act at some point. But for the first little bit, I'd stay inside and treat it as a home-bunker holiday.
What about when supplies are running low?
At least I'd have a clean car. I have security cameras on my house, and I'd be checking the outside on a regular basis. The door wouldn't be answered. It would be firmly locked. Given that I don't have my spreadsheet, and I don't know how long my supplies will last - how far along would the zombie apocalypse be?
Hard to say, hard to know, but would I know how active it is, given the sounds of gunfire, or cars wandering and roaming the roads? Would water still be coming out of the tap? These would be the things I'd be relying on. We have a rainwater tank, but it only works for the toilets, and it isn't very big.
What about in the days that lead to supplies lowering?
I'd probably catch up on my back catalog of video games. Hope the fridges and the freezer keep working. Hope the solar array and the battery don't malfunction. Lie low. Stay home. It would be the last places the horde would go looking, after all.
Unless it was Halloween. Don't wash the car on Halloween, I might just fool myself that the apocalypse had begun as I drove home through the zombie infested streets.
