I want to tell, yet come from a long line fearful of speaking truth to the fire. What if I say and - And. You were so beautiful and elegant. And composed. The way I hope you are when the next few terrible months come. When anything. When life. See, I was thinking last night of all the day-to-days, the nothings that take up space and seem so unimportant now. But if not concern yourself with this, then what? You were dressed all in black. Sunday best, funeral-proud. And for a moment, I believed inside the dream you really were getting off at the theatre. Except no tram goes to the National, only to the cemetery. So unspeakably elegant. And me, with my stuffed toys and my own petty problems of becoming a woman or staying a mouse. Becoming and unbecoming, and all the loneliness reaching for me that I'm finding harder and harder to face. I'm suddenly afraid of the expanse of lonely other people feel, underlying the better part of my dreams. The will to life, marred by the paralyzing terror of death. In my dreams, I find I lack all my customary brave words, and rather pray, openly small as I am, that tomorrow isn't your last. Please God. I sense in all of us the trial of pretense, yet despite level-best, the darkness in your Sunday best encroaching on us all. I know it's customary when death draws to bolt, but if we don't, if we stay and we heave, is there a chance to wrench you back from undeserving blackness? There's still so much for you to see, and despite my dreamscape certainty, I hope when we reach the stop, the door before you gets stuck.
I've been meaning to stop by a long time, but haven't seen an opportunity. I talk more than is healthy for me. I pay great attention to my dreams, since I am of the Jungian opinion that they hold the key to understanding the subconscious. I try to look at them openly. Still, last night's left me speechless upon waking. That doesn't happen often.
Also, I don't know if music is allowed, but I feel desperately the need to infuse some strength into this post, and for me, music has always been an important source of strength:
https://youtu.be/hez6tDpiWDA?list=RDGMEMJQXQAmqrnmK1SEjY_rKBGAVMnPglNjxVHiM
I'm on the front line, don't worry I'll be fine The story is just beginning I say goodbye to my weakness, so long to the regret And now I know that I'm alive
