I have difficulty telling people to go to Hell.
It's a point of discontent, I would've thought, after years of working on myself and improving in many ways, I would've found a way by now to tame the natural agreeableness that comes with the package.
Though it may not always come off here, I try to be nice. Generally speaking. I make a big deal out of saying 'no' and turning people away. Ignoring people. I recognize undue attention, but something in me is still programmed in such a way that tolerates, rather than bites someone's head off.
"I feel this is inappropriate."
Then fucking say.
'Cause chances are they'll know exactly what you're talking about. I realize I'm afraid of being in the wrong, of making the wrong assumption about somebody. What if I call out a behavior, only to be told it meant nothing?
In the past, that worked well. To the extent that I look back sometimes and think to myself, seriously, this was happening and you somehow still got duped into betraying your own intuition, your survival instinct and general sense of the world? You went against your own grain, and called it nothing just because somebody else insisted?
I should be at an age to say fuck that noise, but sometimes, I falter. Like I find myself feeling bad for not wanting to interact with certain people. I'm learning to take a minute now, though, and assess more rationally what's going on.
It helps arranging the facts all neat and in order. I get caught on "I don't want to be un-nice". So it helps to look at certain behaviors, and say, sure, but is this thing they're doing nice? Is this?
I'm quite tolerant and generally quite nice, which leads people to think they can overstep at will and become quite insistent in a way that bothers me. And then I sit wondering why I'm having such a hard time telling them to just go to Hell. Though I've learned much from JBP, I'm still missing the crucial instinct to say get the fuck away from me. I tolerate a lot before I finally cut ties, except that's not a very smart place to operate from. Especially since often, it goes hand in hand with feeling bad for finally setting boundaries. Makes sense. If you go along the notion that everyone deserves your general niceness, and that these people are not doing anything wrong, even though you feel it in your bones that they are, then I guess it's quite easy for them to then come along and say "why did you do that, I wasn't doing anything wrong".
I'm at a place in my life where I'm learning to listen more and more to my inner voice, my instinct.
This is not good. This person, this situation, this place. Back the fuck away. I'm learning to, and could say I'm getting better. But it takes time. I find myself, still, pressed for the "nice" reaction. Pressed to give where people might not be in a situation to be asking. When this happens, I need a minute.
Just because this person wants your attention and your energy does not mean you're obligated to give it to them. It's strength, knowing to say my energy is precious and my attention is the most valuable token in my possession. I will not be giving it lightly to people who think they're entitled to demand.
In order to do that, I'm developing a little voice. A little voice that says - is this right, what this person is doing? And since you're so hell-bent on being nice, would you do this to someone else? And then, if not, why so bothered about being un-nice to someone already doing an un-nice thing?
Perhaps it's not un-nice to protect your energy and your space. Especially as a woman. It's un-nice to trespass on others' energy and time, to behave inappropriately, to demand more than you can offer, to mess with people's heads, but no, I don't think telling someone to go to Hell when they do these things is an un-nice thing in and of itself.
