Most times in my prayers, I mostly thank God for helping me to show up, because most days it's hard to get out of bed, it's hard to take a look in the mirror, it's hard to hustle for money to pay the bills.
One month now, I've been very sick and even though the worse days are behind me, it's just hard not to have anxiety: when will the next flare up happen, will be days, weeks or months, what if this flare up has done irreparable damages, why is it worth fighting and showing up everyday? but then I realize that i still find ways to get out of bed and try hard to get better, then I go to bed exhausted, tired (obviously the anemia) and just grateful to have scaled through.
Do I have a lot of things to pray for? Yes, I do, but sometimes I can only give thanks, and just believe in my heart that God knows my sorrows, worries and pain, afterall, he's not a dead God, he listens and knows.
After my only siblings died, I lost hope for many things. I don't do social gatherings anymore, wear fancy clothes or do chitchats and all that. Of course I've had my condition all my life, but fighting and grieving from loss, added to it all and it feels like fighting a running a marathon you never wanted to compete in.
Of course it's hard, I wake up everyday thinking"what if I don't have to fight?". Creating so many "what ifs" situation. What if I was a deadbeat brother, what if I wasn't born with this condition, what if life was entirely different.
This doesn't take away my idea of being grateful, I am constantly grateful all the time, but I've lost a lot in life, so much that sometimes I wish something happened differently and changed all this fate. Perhaps it's too much "happily ever after" movies, perhaps maybe it's because reality is difficult and hard to accept and face, sometimes maybe it's just a combination of everything.
This may have been the worst I've ever been in, considering everything: doing life rightly, taking meds and diet strictly and still everything goes wrongly. However, I vent but have faith as well, venting doesn't stop me from having faith.