Some days I wake up feeling tired, some days, I wake up with some energy. My blood pressure has gone up in the past few months and when I checked my blood sugar level and salt intake is normal, so what's the problem here? Stress.
Some People think that stress is just physical, but actually psychological and mental stress is the real damage.
I try to compensate the psychological stress I go through with more sleep time, but somehow it hasn't completely done the magic. I remembered 2 to 3 year back, my blood pressure was constantly 110/60, no matter the physical stress I went through, so what happened?
Life happened.
I no longer have the "fun moments" where I didn't have to be in grief, constant anxiety, about so many things. Somehow I dream about my stressful life situations, diagnosis and everything, and I still wake up thinking about it.
24/7 it's constant thoughts and worries, and these days even when I try to have a break to experience "happy moments" or create artificial happy moments just to you know, release the good hormones that lowers the blood pressure, I tend to always find it very impossible.
Life is stressful to some, you'd never know if you're from work to home, to restaurants, pictures and TV. There's an unfair version of life that exist in places that only a few people have experienced.
A person from church visited me yesterday and asked why the pastor hasn't visited, I told him I didn't mind if the pastor visited me or not, and it wasn't his responsibility to do so if he didn't want to, it's bad anyway to feel deserved.
Perhaps I'd have been sad in the past, but I just realized something: I'm trying to declutter, remove, free myself from more stressful thoughts, and see if this would do magic for my blood pressure.
I'm already in so much stress already, and some of these are situation I cannot control. For example getting stressed from my illness has been imaginable, I have stayed 95% indoors for 5 weeks because I didn't want people commenting on my appearance and weight loss, because this might just stress me further.
It's hard when you have to find ways, I guess this is why I overthink things. It's a lot of emotions to try and manage, sometimes I just watch a movie, when I'm not stressing about money, or try to get in healthy food to continue my recovery process.
It's all a mirage though. Most vanity metric to sustain happiness fails when there's a bigger stress source in your life. It's not a life I want, but it's what it is. Know how you get blamed for what isn't your fault? That's it. We find closure in causality, but life becomes stressful when you cannot see a cause for a problem or an issue