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The life I am living is not my own. It cannot be. I know this because of how often I find myself thinking, I didn't want to do that. Perhaps I smoked a cigarette, or ate something I didn't wish to. Maybe I said something hurtful to a loved one, or had a sexual encounter with, or even thoughts about, a woman other than she who resides in my heart. It's possible I let my anger get the best of me for a few moments, or that I allowed fear to dictate a decision of mine. The reasons are as plentiful as they are frequent, and they all evoke an identical response within me - a feeling that I did something I did not want to do. And in quite the same fashion, I also find myself wishing I had done something that I did not far too regularly.
Consequently, it is undeniable to me that the life I am currently living is one that is not my own. Put simply, I have no free will. I once deluded myself into believing that I was in possession of free will, because I thought deeper than most. But this was most definitely bullshit. It was not possession of free will I had, but sooner mere possession. I am possessed by many demons - habits, you could say. But I am not the only one. You are very likely possessed too.
It's quite an uncomfortable understanding; to know that you are persistently making choices that contradict your will. For if we are not in control of our own bodies, then we have to ask the question - who or what is? These habits we adopt throughout our lifetimes, certainly a fair amount of them, did not arrive from nowhere. We learned them, or, were taught them. There are influences out there in the world, many of them below the threshold of conscious awareness, that are feeding data into our minds and leading us towards various sets of beliefs, responses, and decisions.
Our sense of what is beautiful, and what is not, too often comes from what we have learned rather than what we have decided for ourselves. Perhaps the entire concept of beauty and ugliness is learned for all I know, and maybe everything just is. I do not have the answer to what extent the lives we are living, and the manner by which we perceive the world, has been given to us by others. But I am beginning to understand that the only way to get closer to those answers, and to start living lives of our own, is to pay attention to those often very quiet thoughts that contradict the choices we are making.
When we think of the word temptation, it is easy to consider it a notion relating only to the likes of food, drugs and sex. But is it possible that it is also temptation that leads us to accept comfortable beliefs, to look down on others to elevate ourselves, and ultimately to observe the world in a manner that has been entirely dictated by exterior influences in our environment?
Again, I do not have all the answers. But, I do know one thing. I want to live my own life. I want to know who I am. And it seems to me, the only way to truly discover who I am and what it is I really want, is to rise above the habits I have adopted and to stop making decisions or observations that contradict the small measure of my will that I am privy to. I have to slay my demons - to break free of the cycles that have usurped my existence. Only then, I feel, will I be able to exercise my own free will, knowing that I am not beholden to the temptations that have far too often chosen my path in life for me.
If I can achieve such a thing, and I know it will not be easy, maybe - just maybe, I will finally be me. And perhaps, if you make the effort to overcome the desire to do things you know in your heart you wish not to, you might also slay the proverbial dragon, and become who you were always intended to be.