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Today I noticed that my hand feels lighter.
Sure, I have felt it before. The day I took my rings off it was unsettling. I found myself fidgeting with a band that was not there Turning an invisible pearl to center.
The first night I went on a date with someone else, I felt its absence like a twinge of guilt that was then buried under the sand with the incoming tide. Heavy at first but then it didn't matter anymore. It was pushed down and then lost.
The day I opened my own bank account and answered "divorced" I felt the absence like an exhilarating rush of freedom. A child running from the back door on the first morning of summer. I was my own person for the first time in my adult life. Wind in my hair, sun on my face. Not owned by a husband or controlled by a father. Free.
I notice the absence every so often. Rubber gloves do not tear. Clothes do not snag. I do not have to mind my movements in favor of a loose band. Small reminders that I am no longer bound to his wishes.
The first time I allowed myself to do something I wanted, I thought to myself, "He will be angry with me." "He doesn't like this."
"I do like this, and he does not matter anymore."
Today is his birthday, and I found myself worried I had not given him a gift. "He does not matter anymore" replaced the worry in my head.
My hand feels lighter today.