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Sure he says, here is what I thought and felt once:
I feel bad. And tired. I’m sleepy and not in that energetic state I love so much. About three hours ago, while working with “A”, I had a sudden emotional burst that disturbed me a lot. Actually, I didn’t say anything bad or behave angrily. I guess the fact that it came from an unknown source and my inner world changed suddenly without my awareness disturbs me. Maybe because I love the order, or predictability, these feelings coming out like a ghost from somewhere cause long-lasting hits inside me.
The worst part is that my behaviors can suddenly change under the effect of these feelings. My showcase in the outer world, with this disruption happening, pushes me later into worries like “I wonder what others think about me?” Also, the fact that the event happens in a moment and finishes becomes a source of regret that cannot be taken back.
Let the thorns come out from here and there. Who cares, as long as they don’t harm anyone. If life’s surprises can also find place inside me, how lucky I am. And then, what do these bursts try to tell me? Even though they became much less nowadays, I need to rest — not only physically or emotionally but also in terms of attention. I should provide this often. When I say attention, I meant to take more seriously. I’m sorry to myself, for always being on alert and keeping my wide heart in constant tension.
I lived all this inside me, wow… So it means my mind and heart are like a theater hall. Very nice… I’m the one who writes the play and the one who watches. I got the message. Just need to look from a different angle. The stage is same but I can change the decorations. This was a field experience, another rehearsal of the big me. Being able to still receive signals from life, good or bad, is so beautiful.
During the work I was doing — something very simple, like untangling a rope — even though they called me for help, they didn’t leave the job to me, and that made me angry. I just looked straight to their face and asked for 10 minutes. I guess they misunderstood, or maybe I already started to leak out the tension rising inside me without noticing. Immediately, they pulled aside and raised their hands like saying “fine, I won’t even touch it, do whatever you want.” I stayed silent. Those earlier emotional surges kept circling in my mind. Now I know, it was actually a piece of trash caught in the net of my heart-sea. And now by pulling it out from the sea, I made my heart cleaner, more clear. Long live life and all the windows we can look through from inside it…
All the best…
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