Today, I sit down to write with an intense realization. I must have thought at least twenty times before penning this first line. I believe writing should come from the heart. If it's overly calculated, it loses its charm. And by "writing" , I mean small, personal stories or the quiet stirrings of the heart. It took courage to start this.
Since childhood, I was never that attentive to studies. I used to barely pass. Actually, I even failed a few times. I never really enjoyed studying. My sister, on the other hand, was studious. She was brilliant and hardworking from a young age, always bringing home good results. My mother constantly compared me to her, trying to make me feel inferior. If she had compared me with an elder sibling, maybe I could have accepted it. But being constantly put down in comparison to my younger sister deeply affected my little mind in a very negative way. Something my mother never realized.
That’s when my relationship with my sister started to deteriorate, even though I never wanted it to. As I grew older, I began to understand that in this society, it's very hard for a woman to live with dignity without having her own identity. And the only way to earn that respect is through financial stability. To get that, I needed a job. And for a job, I needed to study. So, I began focusing on my studies in college. Slowly, my results started improving. People began comparing me with the meritorious students!! It was shocking at a time overwhelming for me ! My name even made it to the college merit list. My mother finally started praising me, but the emotional distance remained. I couldn’t forget the words she used to bring me down when I was little.
Getting into a public university was the first time I lived away from home. The physical distance slowly helped mend the emotional gap between my sister and me. Over time, all the misunderstandings faded. Today, my younger sister is my only true friend. She's living abroad now. I may not say it out loud, but I often wish we could get our lost childhood back. Though I know that’s impossible. Our childhood could have been so beautiful, if only we hadn’t been compared all the time...
Now that I’ve grown up, though my education isn’t complete yet, finding a job in Bangladesh is difficult, especially part-time job. Still, I try to earn a little through small businesses or freelancing. I do my best to fulfill the wishes of the people I care about. But lately, I’ve come to realize, when money comes from abroad in dollars, it becomes really hard to satisfy your loved ones with what little you earn locally, basically in taka . The gifts I buy with the money I save. Often by walking instead of taking a rickshaw, may seem trivial to them. Or maybe my expectations are too high. Honestly, my tired little brain can’t figure all this out.
Even with all these thoughts swirling in my mind, I’m still trying. Trying to grow, to heal, to understand, and to make peace with my past. Life hasn’t been easy, but it has taught me resilience. I may not have everything figured out, but I carry within me a quiet determination to create a life of my own. One that’s rooted in dignity, love, and self-worth. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough for now.