Today, after a long time, I felt a strong urge to write. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel like writing . I feel like writing every single day. But today, the reason I’m saying that I felt like writing in a different way is because after a long time, those old thoughts have resurfaced again. No, today it’s not any career-related thought knocking at my mind . Today it’s the wail of my failure from all aspects that is surfacing.
Whenever I intensely feel the urge to write, millions of words start swirling around in my head. Today is no different. And when that happens, I can’t arrange the words properly. So, it becomes difficult to reflect the thoughts of my mind through writing, and as a result, the words come out quite unorganized. Even if they are unorganized, I’ve started writing today just to ease the burden of my mind and heart a little.
I’ve always been a quiet girl. Since childhood, I’ve had no friends. Not that I didn’t want to make friends . Of courses I did. Seeing others in groups of friends made me want to have my own group too. But I didn’t have one. Not even a single friend who would consider me a friend. On Friendship Day, my hands would be full of friendship bands, but if I missed a day at school, there wasn’t a single friend who would check on me. I was never a top-level student, so at the beginning of school life, I thought if I could do well in results, I would get friends. Then, with that false belief, I started studying beyond my capacity. From taking class notes to preparing my own notes . I kept everything to myself. I did everything alone because I knew I didn’t have any friend who would at least lend me their class lecture notebook. Then, as a result of all that hard work, I got my first good result in life. I got ninety-eight out of a hundred in math! After that result, there was literally a scramble over who would sit next to me! Even among the guardians, my value had increased! My father and mother told me that everyone was praising me! I thought this time I had found friends. But my assumption was shattered in the very next term exam. Due to severe fever, I couldn’t place among the top students, just barely passed. After that, everything went back to how it used to be . I became alone again in the class. That’s when I realized I wasn’t anyone’s friend.
Today, these thoughts are swirling in my head . Of course not without reason, but for a significant one. Today I was talking to a university batchmate, and they asked me, "Who is your closest friend?" At that moment, I thought to myself , closest or distant, do I even have a friend at all?! But I couldn’t say that, because the person sitting across from me might have been expecting me to mention their name, but I didn’t want to answer with a false impression, so I just gave a slight smile. Instantly, they said, "Friends are made in school; after that, no one really becomes a friend."
That’s when I felt the old wound in my heart reopen. The matter of friendship is a big deal to me. I’ve been through many hardships in life, and so I’ve gained many realizations . Whether it’s a blood relation or any other kind, I observe a lot before labeling a relationship.
I never thought that, nearly nine years after finishing school, the pain of not having a friend in school days would rise again , triggered by such a simple conversation. But life doesn't stops for anyone. The show must go on !
And so, as I close my thoughts for tonight, I realize that some voids never truly get filled . They just settle quietly within us, waiting for moments like these to whisper their presence. Maybe I will never have that kind of friend I longed for, and maybe that’s okay. But if nothing else, I have these words . My silent companions that listen without judgment, that let me be seen and felt, even if only on paper. And sometimes, that’s enough to keep going.