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I couldn't help but notice how Amaka's hair was neatly packed into a small bun as I walked into the airport. I stretched my neck farther than a giraffe to get a glimpse of her.
In her eyes was exhaustion that couldn't be fixed even if she slept the whole day. Clutched tightly in her hands was her passport. It was too obvious, as if letting go a little would send her passport flying away before her.
She turned and caught me staring from afar. Then she gave a soft smile. The kind people give when they've finally made peace with themselves to let love go. It was evident in her eyes that she was ready and willing to let what we had go. Although it hurt her.
Then she pushed her bag and walked towards me. With a faint smile, she said
“I thought you wouldn’t come,”
“I almost didn’t.” I tried to smile back. Somehow, smiling became a tough job for me.
She looked me in the eyes and I could tell immediately, she knew I was lying. I nodded and she returned the nod. Like a soft acceptance that she had just caught me lying, again, to her.
I had been parked outside the airport for nearly thirty minutes, trying to gather the courage to step out of the car. I couldn't fight the urge to see her one last time. But at the same time, I didn't want her to see how vulnerable I was going to be without her.
Her flight was to London. Two years of applying, saving, and planning had finally paid off. She had gotten a scholarship to further her education. A fresh start to life. Suddenly, it felt like everything she was praying for in life was coming to fruition. Just this time it meant leaving me behind. And it hurt me so bad.
So bad.
I wanted to be happy for her. Trust me, I really did. I fought the thought that she was leaving because she didn't love me for days. And finally, when it was as if I was winning the battle, I lost it again. I lost it as I stood there staring at her blue eyes. I felt the ground was shifting beneath my feet. It felt like a part of me was being pulled out of my life.
She stretched her hands and held me tight. Then we walked together, hand in hand toward the waiting area. The atmosphere in the airport suddenly changed. Adding more pain to my emotional predicament as people around us hugged, laughed, cried, and waved. Like a scene from a sad romantic movie.
I shook my head, trying so hard to get my thoughts clear of the sadness and pain. With so much strength and prayers that my emotions don't betray me, I asked.
“So this is it?” I asked.
She turned to me, her eyes glistening but steady. I could tell she was on the verge of letting her tears win. “I don't want it to be. We can make this work. I know you want it to. It's just two years at most."
I looked at her and didn't reply.
We sat on a bench near the glass wall that overlooked the runway and stared at the planes parked outside and the ones taking off, and as the distance covered, they turned into tiny birds.
For a while, no one spoke. The loud announcements echoing through the hall drowned out the sound of my heart beating too slowly, like the beat of something breaking gently into pieces.
I turned to catch Amaka staring at me. "What did I ask?
“You remember our first date?”
I nodded. “I can't forget it," I replied, staring at the floor. "You were an hour late.”
She laughed quietly. “Nah. You came too early.”
I smiled and took a quick glance at her. “Well, the truth is that I did miss you.”
We paused. Then we stared at each other for a long time without talking. The pure longing in our eyes. The kind that usually occurs before we make love. The hot kind of lovemaking.
“I'd hate it if we ended up here,” she whispered.
“Me too."
"Then we can try. I'm sure we can make it if we try."
I looked at her and smiled. Then I started humming the lyrics of a popular song. 'Just the two of us.'
Her eyes softened and she joined me. Suddenly we stopped. I held her hands.
"Amaka, I want to. You’ve always been the one my heart longs for, I don’t think I ever told you that properly.” I confessed
“You always have.”
“But, this distance. The years we're going to stay apart.” I paused. "I'm not sure I can do that. I want to but I'm not sure if I can survive it."
She let her eyes fall to our intertwined hands. Then she took my other hand, her fingers cold against mine. “I don't want to lose this either. The memories, the love we share. We can do this. Don't let the distance destroy what we have.”
Something inside me tightened. I wanted to say something, anything. Maybe promise to join her soon but that would mean leaving behind all that I've struggled to build from scratch. I wanted to try a long-distance relationship with her, but I wasn't cut out for it. In fact, it ended my last relationship abruptly. Just a few months into my ex's traveling, she moved on without me, leaving me by myself in the relationship. I wanted to tell her all this but the words stuck somewhere in my throat.
So I just nodded and got up. “They’ll start boarding soon.” Tears blurred my vision. Finally, they called her flight. She gradually got up, tears in her eyes room
“I wish I could follow you,” I said quietly.
She forced a smile. “I wish that too, but..." She paused and looked at me.
I nodded. "I pray you find someone who fits your life.”
“I don’t want someone new.”
“It's so easy to say." She pulled her bag handle. She tried to speak, but her lips trembled. Then she leaned forward and hugged me tight, like she was trying to memorize the shape of my body.
Suddenly, I found myself burying my face in her shoulder. She smelled like her. Soft coconut oil and confidence.
Then I pulled her away.
She nodded, avoiding my gaze.
Then, I watched her push her bag towards the gate until she finally disappeared into the tunnel.
Just like that, she was gone.
I walked back to my car. But I didn't find the courage to leave immediately. I sat there fighting off the tears as I scrolled through our old chats and pictures. Jokes and late-night arguments.
I smiled and for the last time, I typed, “Thank you for the memories,”. I stared at it for a while before pressing send.
Then I keyed the ignition and drove off.