Even if I were to be drowning in a sea in dreamland, the loud thud from the kitchen would be enough to send me out of such deep seas. The sound was quite a disturbance. I had to be sure why someone would begin that early to cause a stir in the neighborhood.
It was mama.
Source
“Good morning, mama” She kept pounding, even when she noticed my presence. It was a blend of “I'm not so surprised” and irritation brewing in my stomach, immediately I sighted her. She always crafted ways to get me to do something my entire family would probably gather for a session where she would fill them in on how terrible a daughter-in- law I was, but I had always played cool, ignoring her acts.
“Where is my son?” she asked as if she actually wanted a reply from me, but no, she just had to announce that that was her only interest. Her shoulder violently brushed mine as she moved past me with a breakfast tray.
“Holy spirit, help me” I whispered quietly as she made it to my husband's bedroom to serve him breakfast. This had become a ritual, but I dared not say a word, lest she remind me of all the things I was incapable of doing, including giving her son a child.
I had an early appointment with the doctor, so I had to save my energy for the possible words of doom Dr Ryan would shoot into my ears, just again. I didn't want to go there anymore, but I couldn't throw in the towel, either. The world would scorn me, and mama, she would arrange my funeral even before I actually died.
“Shea you're out again?” You're mates return with babies after visiting the hospital, but yours, you return with nothing. I died a thousand times again. This was mean. I wanted to say something to her, but I was a church girl and I was supposed to be respectful, wasn't it? I was defeated by her, yet again.
Dr Ryan had been saying something for minutes. I was there, but my mind was already at home. At home, I saw another woman, smiling with my mother- in-law as she walked into our bedroom. She lay down beside my husband in a suggestive way, and he looked at her with so much affection.
“Lami!” That was Dr Ryan's voice calling me back to the real world. “You don't have to cry, this thing will work.
Be hopeful!”
These words were tales. Tales that were of no interest to me, not after three failed IVFs. There was nothing like hope. I was only swimming in doom that had no expiry date.
I could hear their voices as I quietly walked into our apartment. She kept pressuring him that it was the best thing to do, but he refused to consent. He reassured her that I would give him children soon. “She can never give you children” she yelled in the top of her voice and banged the bedroom door violently and left.
I didn't wish to see her, no! It would be my undoing. I rushed out through the gate to seek solace in the arms of my friend. The only one who had the words to soothe my shattered heart. I had spent the time crying and blaming myself for everything I had done, and hadn't done wrong.
“You know you can't keep ignoring your husband's call,” Shola had told me for the umpteenth time. I couldn't talk to him. Somehow, I blamed him for everything. For letting his mother always have her way in our home, for not letting me go during our courtship when the tests had shown I would have issues conceiving. He told me God could handle it, but I wasn't sure if God was still interested in handling it anymore, after six years of waiting.
I eventually mustered courage to return home and face my fears. It was pretty late. I was sure that at least, mama would be fast asleep, and I could go in without having to face her.
“Oh! You're back!” Mama was there, waiting in the sitting room, obviously for me. “Nkem, come and greet her o!” I grew confused. Who was Nkem? My thoughts were interrupted by the presence of a dark skinned, four feet tall lady, whose behind was large enough to stir up confusion.
“Who is she?” I asked curiously. Mama began to smile in an unusual way, the look of someone who had triumphed over the enemy. “That's our new wife. She has come to help you give my son children.” She said with so much joy in her voice.
I ran in, finally defeated.
I refused to say anything to my husband that night. I didn't even spend the night in our bedroom. I had curled up in the visitor's bedroom soaking the sheets with tears all night. I had lost every energy to fight. I just wanted to give up, because there was no point fighting. He came knocking and asking that we talk, but I didn't want that. I only wanted to drown in misery, if that would show God it was time to give me a child.
The morning came with a new energy.
“Mama, ask that lady to leave my house”
“Do you have a house? Look at this one my son cleaned up” I didn't wait for her to say anything further. I moved to the room where her things were and carried her bag heading for the gate. Mama ran after me in disbelief. She had never seen me like this. I myself didn't know this shade of me. This was the response of a woman who couldn't bear the scorn anymore.
About to throw the bag out of the gate, my head began to spin. My eyes darkened, and I didn't know when I lost my balance and went on the floor.
My eyes opened to see my husband. He gave me a very soft smile, the kind he gave the first time he saw me outside my office, and asked for my contact. I was too weak to say anything or react, so I just stared.
I was four weeks gone, the doctor had confirmed.
I was supposed to be happy, but I wasn't. The only thing that would mean happiness would be seeing my mother-in-law take a walk from our lives. For once, my husband put his foot down as a man. The next morning, her bags were packed, and she was driven out of the house, away from my life.