I've been around the block and I think I'm ready to reveal my secrets.

Today I will offer everyone some advice, free of charge.

Most will attempt to teach us how to catch a whale.

^{Those people are full of shit and their tricks don't work.}

What is a whale?

Well, contrary to popular belief and science, a whale is actually a wealthy individual human.  It's not a fish-like species of mammal; you've been told a lie.

Free Willy wasn't about a whiny kid and a dumb fish-like being.  It was a story about a rich man who went to jail.  Everyone knows that so please go back and relearn your history if you didn't know.

Getting a whale's attention is easy.

^{Many think all one has to do is be a brown nosing ass kisser.}

Wrong!

Those people don't get far in life.  Ignore them and if you can't, spit on them and kick them to the curb; we don't need them.

To get a whale's attention simply: - Kick their Lambo. - Call them names. - Threaten them. - Annoy the living fuck out of them until they flag (that means they like you).

Easy

^{So easy even a child can do it and we see children doing it here, daily.}

Yes, some of them are grown-ass men who merely act like children but please, be patient, give them time; their balls will drop, eventually.

"But @NoNamesLeftToUse,"

^{"I thought this post was about scaring whales away?"} "Why are you rambling on about nothing?"

That's a damn good question.

I've been here nearly two years and a glaring majority of whales don't even know I exist.  That was not easy to achieve but I think I'm finally ready to teach you how!

Use Red

^Simple.

When a whale sees red, they don't charge like a bull.  The exact opposite happens.  They see red, they crack open a case of vodka, find a quiet corner in the dark somewhere, and leave everyone alone until it's safe to come out.

I've been using a lot of red over the past two years, I've shared a lot here today; whale repellent.

I'm so incredibly confident my one easy trick works effectively, I will be so bold as to claim before publishing:

This post will not trend today.

All Because of the Red

Congratulations!

^{Now you can, too!}

Thank you for enjoying my tutorial today.  I hope you've learned a lot.

Have a nice day!

Credits:

_{All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.}

_{"You can open your eyes now.  It's safe."}

^{© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.}