I always get this feeling sometimes that feels like a combination of everything I’ve felt. It’s heart crushing and depressing and sometimes I just want to get into a hole and disappear, or wish I’d get thrown of a skyscraper. And then, sometimes I like to look back and think of how far I’ve come, shoving down the utter disappointment that I’m not where I predicted myself to be at this particular time but also, appreciating it all, overall.
I let myself overthink and then loosen up. I stay awake throughout the night, carrying the notion that I’m running out of time. I scribble in my journal ideas, points and lessons I learn and get each day. I try to talk to people but end up like I’m being pushed into a very dark corner. And I’m trying to keep afloat, trying to stay up there, with my eyes barely open, my ears filled with water and my lips quivering because I can’t seem to find a way out.
Many times I’ve tightened my hold on the edge of hope. I don’t want to let go because it’s the one thing that keeps people moving. But my hold is slipping and I’m losing momentum. I’m tipping backward even though my heels are planted firm on the ground and I have no idea why. My eyes are a shade redder than my usual colour. The strands of my hair pulling whenever they see the chance. It’s like being tossed into the deepest part of bad luck, and then, I think about people out there, someone probably far worst and I’m wondering how they’re feeling, coping, holding on.
And then, I realised that I was a sobbing mess, an object of pity and a drowning soul. And I did not want to be this way anymore. Overall, my hold on hope stayed firm, I made sure of it. Overall, I keep my face above water, I peel my eyes open and force my ears to hear the sounds around me. I stop flapping my arms to try to keep afloat, I stop moving and I’m still in the middle of the water, so perfectly still. And I’m breathing and thinking and my hold is firm. Overall, I stop finding myself at a corner. Overall, I’m almost there. I think. Or maybe, this was just another phase, a facade life has thrown at me because oh- it was so evil and thrived when I suffered and hated myself. Overall, I keep my head afloat.
Thanks for reading…