It’s the last day of October, and for today I’m gonna share the things I’ve lost and gained this month. Of course, every month I gain something and also lose something in the process, but I guess this month’s problem and blessing distribution was particularly a wild one. For starters, I lost my quite long hair because I let my sister cut it. Well, it’s not that I’m forced to lose it, but it kinda a decision that came out of nowhere. So yeah…when I saw it was already cut, I had no choice but to deal with this new hairstyle of mine.
>Did I also cut a chunk of my brain?
That’s the question that keeps on bugging me lately because ever since I cut my hair, I suddenly suck at remembering stuff. I don’t know if it’s just *repeated coincidence* that I forgot important things during tests and even in one of my major performance tasks. Whether it be just coincidence or not, it’s really frustrating because I did work hard memorizing that stuff. That kept me disappointed for days, and it made me lose some of my self-esteem. I spent many nights this month pondering dejectedly, *where did I go wrong?*
>I’ve been a good pretender anyway.
Anyway, despite that I felt dejected for most of my October days, I’m still thankful that I can contain those emotions *for now* because I would rather not show that I’m affected than garner fake concern and sarcastic pity. I hate receiving those kinds of emotions from other people because I’m really a perceptive person; I feel it even when they try to totally hide those kinds of feelings. I already experienced getting those, and no matter how I tried to console myself that time that maybe I’m just wrong with my perception…yet in the end, time became the ultimate truth teller.
>I've received an unexpected trip!
Last week's Saturday trip was totally rushed and definitely not one of my planned trips. Supposedly I don't want to join them because this week was our hell—I mean midterm week…but I decided to join anyway. I thought it would be a two-hour trip at maximum, but I underestimated the distance from our place to my aunt's place. She's in the last district of our province, yet I didn't expect that it would take almost five hours of bus trips to reach her. My waist was already aching by the time we got off the bus...I mean, more than four hours of sitting! I can't stand up because there are also passengers standing up in the aisle, so I have no choice but to enjoy the *privilege* of sitting for more hours than standing.
>My once in a blue moon trip turns out to be...
Enriching—because I was reminded of some things from that trip. Seeing my aunt living alone made me realize that I could also end up like her in my future *(if I'm one of the fortunate ones who'll reach their 50s)*. Her house felt sad, and the smell of the dusty room upstairs filled me with both nostalgia and melancholy. I once lived with her before, way back when I was just a brat; she used to scold me a lot, which I really deserved because I did have a bad temperament as a kid. Her husband was the one who defended me; even though we're not blood-related, I'm closer to him than her. My father's side wasn't really the caring side, so I kinda understand that.
>I miss those old times.
That longing amplified when I saw her standing alone outside the house. Those memories felt like yesterday to me, yet I know I can't relive them now. Lolo Kerio, her husband...already died years ago; that's why she's living alone in their house. It's really sad that she's all alone in that house now, and that made me remember how fleeting our lives are. One moment you're with the people you love, but the next thing you know is that they are already gone. Yet I think that very same uncertainty makes our life more worth living. Of 'course there'll be a lot of those uncertainties all throughout our lives, but what matters is that you lived through them and you made the most of the moments you spent.
> *And when October goes*
*The same old dream appears*
*–Barry Manilow, 1984*
That trip is a nice reminder, by the way—especially this time, when I often want things to get done fast. It reminded me not to take moments for granted. This month was full of unexpected decisions...decisions I didn't expect I would make. If I were the same as I was before, I definitely wouldn't take those because I'm more into practicality rather than enjoyment. Yet as I encounter and experience a lot of stuff, I realized that a little diversion from the seriousness of life wouldn't hurt that much. And also they are a nice addition to my bittersweet memories. This month is ending, and it will be November tomorrow. I don't know what will happen in the coming months, but I hope that as October goes, my sorrows and regret in this month do too. Even if it'll follow what the song said...may those same old dreams not hinder me from living the moment I am in now.
I think this is enough sharing for now, and if you're still with me at this part, then I thank you for reading until here. See you next time for my possible monthly—or if I'm not busy, weekly reflection. Well, that's all for this month people, see ya~
All of the pictures used are mine, while the first picture was edited in Canva.