It’s fascinating how fast ‘answers’ can come when you simply turn off distractions and create the space & silence to tune into them.
(And how ‘putting the questions out there,’ versus just holding them into oneself might be an action step that invites clarity to begin emerging.)
Truth be told, there was a sense of conflict while writing & publishing yet another piece on midlife-crisis qualms the other day. Whether my Chiron in 10th house or whatever, there’s often a self-consciousness about public vulnerability when ‘wearing my heart on the sleeve’ and expressing such insecurities that exist over wtf I’m doing with my life (and who I’m becoming through these deaths & rebirths). I often question if engaging in such open contemplations is merely reinforcing self-sabotaging loops or actually serving some “greater purpose.” Though in this case, the vent mighta actually paved the way for something special.
To recap, I confessed that “I don’t fucking know what I want, where I see myself in 5 years, what my dream/vision is, etc.” Yet with such an honest acknowledge, something has shifted within 24-48 hours.
Also perfectly timed with a forced cutting-out of my biggest distraction(s).
And here, on the other side of that short window of time, having no choice but to surrender to a break of (addictive, distractive) routine… another acknowledgement has arisen (of something that’s surely been there all along, though I’d been too chronically frantic with counterproductive scattered focus to really see it.)
I just finished up a massive purge a few days ago…
I had no idea Instagram had a ‘following’ limit of 7500. Until I hit it a couple months ago. Since joining in 2013, I’ve gone through waves of just adding whatever people/account popped up that had something interesting, never actually realizing what the final outcome of “following” thousands would be. I was semi-aware that I’d barely been seeing anything from the majority of all those accounts for a while, but just kept adding new ones anyway… until it wasn’t possible.
At first, it was an inconvenience while trying to add new ones, having to figure out how to decide which to unfollow to clear space for new ones… and that this would be a perpetual “problem” if just sticking with a short-term “solution.”
I contemplated going through the whole list and pruning one-by-one, but the prospect of having to start over & over while refreshing the list incrementally seemed as though it’d be horribly inefficient. Shortly later, I discovered the first hack to streamline the process of clearing out larger numbers of accounts followed that weren’t worth keeping anymore by pruning networks of topics. i.e. I’d gone through a phase of adding a whole bunch of accounts on van life in 2020… when a van-life account came up, there’s that part of the profile showing what other accounts I follow (‘people you know’) also follow it, from which it was easier to surf the waves going through those lists, checking out which may be worth keeping and which to axe. Rinse & repeat with the topics of motorcycles, vegans, different spirituality/new-age stuff, tattoo artists, travel destinations, motivational/inspiration content, business/entrepreneurship, etc, etc. I found a flow with this, and was loving it, picking away a little each day.
As beautifully satisfying the hyperfocus waves were, I also began observing a greater purpose (and perhaps “mission”) to this purge project. One reflecting a maturation, cleanse, and refinement of self.
I grew brutally discerning in which accounts made the cut and which inspired an unfollow right away, based on resonance. Putting the thinking mind on the backburner, there was an increasing level of self-honesty emerging: ’does the energy of what this person posts ignite a clear “uh huh, this is awesome, I want to keep this in my life,” or more of a “meh”…? Does what I see and FEEL here really add anything of value to my life experience that’s worth trading more limited time for, or has the time come to say farewell and narrow down my list to ONLY those that meet the current standards of something truly exceptional?
There was something immensely liberating about clearing out all the clutter. Yeah, there was something about all those accounts I appreciated in the past; but to cut the energetic ties with what no longer truly inspires… fucking satisfying, man. And while the great diversity of topics all those accounts covered reflected 12 years of curiosity & exploration in various realms, it was an interesting dynamic process of self-reflection to really see what ‘speaks to me’ now, and to analyze some of the motivations as to why part of me has held onto ties that don’t fully “light me up.”
Meanwhile, timing aligned to compound this pruning, refinement, recalibration.
I had no idea SoundCloud had its own limits… having been stumped for a while as to why I couldn’t follow new accounts on there, mistakenly thinking it was an issue with the iOS app - until discovered the same on desktop, did some searching for answers, and realized I’d hit the limit of 2000.
Thus, purge #2 began.
The SoundCloud purge was far more straightforward, done on computer - scrolling way down to the bottom of the list of accounts followed, working the way up slowly as opening each in a new tab, having a quick listen, as well as gauging whether the producer/DJ/artist has even been active with releasing anything new in the last few years…
And similarly, it was a fascinating process to observe the refinement of my musical tastes over the last decade… and how drastically my standards have risen over that time.
The Wealth Dynamics Mechanic (profile) in me really came to life, with its prioritization of efficiency with a systematic approach. Hand cramping up from repetitive motions -> finally ordering the Logitech MX3 Master For Mac mouse -> customizing the buttons to close tabs -> that ever-so incremental increase in speed through the process -> a smoother, more powerful charge through the hyperfocus waves -> satisfying as fuck. Cutting connection to DJing/producers whose style of music does nothing for me anymore, pruning the network down to a smaller number of DOPE motherfuckers whose does it for me… fuck yes.
Instagram still moved a bit slower, though, doing the cleanse on iPad, encountering the same accounts I kept over & over again, not going directly through/down the whole list. And, I soon discovered its systems are setup in a way not-so-conducive to such purging, done excessively fast. It seems there are mechanisms in place to detect an unusual amount of activitity, so as to prevent third-party apps and bots from manipulating things to gain followers & likes, etc. Thus, unfollowing more than a certain amount daily, I started getting pop-ups every time navigating to a new account, slowing things down.
Perhaps after a month of starting the SoundCloud purge, I completed it first. Down from 2000 accounts followed to 710.
And hitting those annoying popups that slowed things down with Instagram on iOS, I decided to bang the rest of it out as a single list on computer once I’d whittled my way down to just over 2000 accounts. A few hours later, with hyperfocus activated and the streamlined efficiency of a process only possible on desktop, the IG purge was complete - from 7500 to 1789.
Bam.
Massive deadweight pruned. Inspiration feeds refined. Updated standards set… and enforced. A good, proper cleaning out of the digital closets.
As essential a step I felt the whole purge was, I still questioned to what degree I’d still fall into the same old patterns of addictive distraction on IG.
Though I recognized the shedding of all the past connections that didn’t inspire anymore as necessary to clearing space for some new chapter, I doubted that there’d be any miraculous change, feeling that more realistically, I’d likely just find something else to capture my attention as an effective rationalization for procrastination on getting to music, writing, or some sort of construction creation (versus more mindless consumption).
Well, as annoying as Instagram’s restrictions were, they may have just served as a blessing in disguise to ensure that wasn’t the case.
I had the popups on the iOS repeatedly throughout the purge, but blazing through the last bit on computer triggered something. All of a sudden, I was getting an entirely different popup when trying to open the app saying my account was ‘compromised,’ a third-party app login detected, that use of such apps to gain likes/followers are prohibited, with a change of password required, and access revoked for a few days.
At first, it appeared I was able to get back in. But then, nope. Just the same change-password screen and loop. On both iPad and computer.
Locked da fuq out.
Annoying, yeah. Cuz my account was not compromised. Nor was any third-party app used. (And it’s an absolute impossibility anyone else could’ve hacked in, as I use 2FA.) And there’s no customer support at Instagram to contact to set this straight. Deny an addict their substance of choice, and it’s not gonna flow smoothly at first.
But, blessing in disguise.
With my usual distraction unavailable, attention’s gotta go elsewhere.
And throughout the purge/refinement process, I got to observe patterns - of what actually has been of the greatest inspiration consistently over the years, and still does captivate my attention & pull at my heartstrings. (In spite of the mind trying to convince me that “I don’t know” what I want, etc.)
So yeah, out comes the midlife-crisis post the other day on “living the dream…” or not. Externalizing the question, “what IS my dream/vision?”
And without the door open to simply dive back into the usual addictive distraction of Instagram, attention unconsciously starts flowing towards (at least part of) the answer.
Not in its entirely. But at least a big part.
It had been in my awareness for a few years. Not as this huge, “omg yes this is it,” but more something that left me in humble awe every time.
Something that I may have acknowledged as amazing, but dismissed for a number of different reasons. Something that I’ve recognized all along as highly alluring, but “wouldn’t be practical,” would be too far off if/when actually a possibility, or just didn’t fully line up as checking all the boxes even if it was.
Something that when I looked at before, I may have habitually gravitated to thinking about why it wouldn’t work/align… yet something that in this last portal of time - locked out of Instagram, having put forth the question of what do I truly want and feel called towards, having invested all that time in the purge & refining my awareness of what inspires the most and connecting certain dots as zooming out to observe longer-term patterns of what ‘speaks to’ my heart - suddenly seems alot more apparent, obvious, clear.
Something that each time I encountered it - and as it’s come to mind more often recently - a subtle response is there, like a quiet yet gentle whisper… that feels… kind of like… peace.
I still don’t have/see the ‘bigger picture.’ But maybe sometimes, we just need to hear the calling of that smaller inner-whisper.
In honesty, I’ve certainly been at fault of my own suffering in the state of confusion/conflict/lostness, having spent so much damn time distracted on social media, drowning out that inner-whisper with stupid shit on the chase for quick-fix dopamine. And I’ve probably surely doubted & dismissed it, having been influenced by disappointments of the past and writing off potentials for a happier future as a consequence of giving lip-service to “shadow work” yet failing to actually show up and properly do mine.
Yet, having gone through that purge to clear the space for I’m not sure exactly what and seeing my tastes & passions reflected back all the more clearly, the potentiality of where this ‘inner-whisper’ may be leading - even if its only the first few steps, which are still some time off - makes sense.
Taking account of the different things that’ve really made me feel most alive, that I’ve always gravitated towards, and in which I sense Peace & Satisfaction (awaiting) in… well, at some point, I gotta be honest with myself.
(Or I could just go back to distraction and attempting to dismiss my true feelings through logical rationalizations. But I’ve reached the end of that road, exhausted AF. And life’s too fucking short to keep banging the head against the wall, when there may be a new wall-free road in a different direction leading to where my heart & soul actually want to be.)
Granted, there’s still the challenge of remaining present & grateful in the here & now, while balancing focus between surrender to the emerging ‘dream/vision’ for the future. But baby steps.
Do I know with 100% certainty it’s what I truly desire - and is aligned with “God’s plan” (if there is such a thing)? No.
Is it still… probably at least a couple years away from being a realistic possibility? Yeah. Things could - and surely will - change between now & then.
But, at the least, it may be an essential step to embrace the whisper. To truly hear it out. To uphold the new standards set as embodied in the purge of the old social media clutter with the same commitment to honoring the soul by exercising the humility to surrender to the wise guidance of its whisper and walk in the direction it leads. Even if it requires a stretch out of the comfort zone. Even if the direction changes along the way.
Yada, yada, yada.
”Blessings in disguise…”
(Though if “history repeats,” I’ll have forgotten all this and be back to distractions and spinning confused in circles by the time you read this. Ha.)
🙏