The damn yin & yang…
Uranus in 4th house is a real bitch sometimes, with the inner restlessness & instability/unpredictability around ‘home’ it brings. Granted, at the same time, without such a placement, I might’ve just been confined to some sense of “normality” with familial traditions & cultural conventions, which sounds kinda like hell to me. The yin & yang.
Perhaps as a Cancer sun - as well as just being human, astrology aside - there’s always been this part of me that’s yearned for a true “home,” my perfect sanctuary in which there is consistently comfort and peace. But that damn Uranus in 4th is like, ha, good luck with that. 😈”
I can barely recall details of how I felt growing up in my home city, but off chasing dreams I went after high school, first to the mountains, led by my love for snowboarding. God, it was fucking fantastic.
For a few months.
It continued like that… all fucking amazing at first when moving to a new place. Then ‘blah’ rather quickly. Rinse & repeat with Vancouver multiple times, Thailand, Phoenix, Victoria, Bali - and multiple living accomodations within some of those different chapters. Exciting as fuck when following the calling to a new adventure, juiced up on the prospect of settling down into that perfect home there. Only for the balloon of hope to deflate fast, feeling like that home I want so badly awaits somewhere else.
At this point, I may be near acceptance that this will never change. That I just “got a restless soul,” am maybe best off rolling with it, “making the most of” wherever life takes me for each chapter, and deconditioning/deprogramming / “letting go” of whatever ideas I might have about what “home” is (supposed to be & look like).
Though at the same time, it’s a challenge to not ‘get/be’ jaded as yearning so deeply for something it seems I can’t have… a challenge compounded by self-doubt and a weird complex of guilt & shame for (logically) “not being grateful” for what blessings I do have (as the flip side): a certain ”freedom” and options.
Life is an interesting paradox. Many people having that stability & security of a long-term home that I yearn for… while many of them probably yearn for aspects of what I have consequential of not having that kind of home.
It’s been kind of surreal this chapter… having loved the last time living in Revelstoke, feeling it might/could be that homebase… and here I am halfway through snowboard season upon returning, feeling practically nothing. “Living the dream,” as some would say - including my 17 year-old self - riding whenever I want/choose… and just feeling almost numb to it, mind back in the same old loop of “where next?” (And heart/soul feeling like *there’s no clear answer at this point.)
I’m continually tempted to think/question if it’s Asia again. Whether I truly do feel Thailand & Indonesia pulling on my heart strings, or it’s the same dynamic that brought be back to Revelstoke - looking back and making decisions based on where I’ve been, trying to revive some nostalgic sentimental state of happiness from the past. Meanwhile having stepped up in a level of awareness, observing the pattern - seeing & knowing that it’d only be a matter of time before the excitement wore off and the restlessness kicked back in again, no matter where I go. (While also acknowledging that rationalization could well be an excuse for not taking a leap out of this current comfort zone in which I’m not happy - when it may be worthy of humble consideration that there were degrees & qualities of happiness in Asia I’ve never felt in Canada.)
I’ve been thinking/planning to extend another year here while the opportunity exists (as it’s not easy to find a place here and just come back at any time unless I were want to buy property.) Yet, the increasing sense of… i dunno whether to call it ‘discontent,’ ‘depression,’ ‘existential dread,’ or what… each evening and morning, paired with the fact snowboard boots have been a bitch and I’m continually feeling like just quitting snowboarding altogether if can’t get something to sorted without such pain & discomfort by the end of this or next season… would it really be a good idea to stay when I’m not fully loving it here and aren’t even really stoked on it anymore??
On the flip side, am I near ready to bail too soon, and simply chasing dopamine - doomed to keep repeating these cycles?
This is why those with emotional authorities in their Human Design need to wait for clarity. 😹
Of course, at the root of these “problems,” more than the astrology that could be blamed or anything else: the mind.
“Ignorance is bliss,” they say… and maybe it was just alot easier to enjoy the ride and flow with all the different changes when younger because I “knew less” - both knowledge and self-awareness. The mind wasn’t as jammed with all the “personal development” and hustle-culture shit that came later. I wasn’t aware of my blind spots & weaknesses. I wasn’t as aware of the immensity of possibilities either; it was surely a different time too, before the internet took over and our attention was scattered into endless directions offering ceaseless distractions & temptations. It was alot easier to just live in the moment, young and a bit dumb, following clear hits of excitement & passion.
But shit changes with age. Not always for the better.
After all that experience, came some wisdom. Which ya, is “good” in some regards. Though at the same time, so too comes the temptation for overthinking as the mind has accumulated more data, knows more of what will & won’t work, and has a greater database of reference material from which to assess all the different possibilities on the table (versus simply going more by emotional draw when younger).
And sooner or later, we’re all bound to go through some hard knocks that shake things up. That leave some traumatic impact or another - kicking more of the mind into protective mode with yet more thinking, detracting from the simplicity of the body’s wisdom, heart & soul’s guidance/calling, etc.
Fuck.
Yes, the mind is a bitch sometimes. And surely compounds that inner restlessness, as thinking there’s gotta be somewhere or something that can help relieve the pressure, where(in) peace awaits to be “found.”
And of course, in the accumulation of all that knowledge - and even a bit of wisdom distilled through experience - there may be some knowing of that outlook as an illusion. Eventually, we all see/hear/read enough platitudinal ‘inspirational/motivational/spiritual’ rhetoric such as, “everything you need is inside,” “peace can only be found inside,” etc, etc.
But that doesn’t automatically change the fact of how we can feel.
And along the way, we’ve picked up these habits, perhaps following well-meaning self-help advice, with which we approach these emotions (“restlessness,” perhaps being one) as either some inconvenience to be “transformed,” bypassed, or to varying degrees denied, suppressed, etc… the aim to ‘get through’ them as quick as possible so we can accelerate a return to the toxic positivity of feeling “good” instead.
But it never works. Not consistently, in the ways we want, to ends that truly serve us. Eventually, the emotions just pop up again somewhere down the line, or cycles & seasons take us back to confront them. The yearnings, never fulfilled. The restlessness, guaranteed its place in the complete cycle, to which a return is inevitable.
Mind would like if dispelling the restlessness was easy as simply snowboarding it out. And for a while, that seemed to work. (Until it doesn’t, and I rode so aggressively every day that feet/legs are in pain, and I’m forced to face the emotions later in the evening and when waking up anyways.)
Mind would like if “meditating” were as quick & easy solution as some insist. But that never seems to work out much or make a difference.
And while part of me has surprisingly finally found some sort of consistency in daily routines over the last year, perhaps the ADHD part (whether in combo with the Uranus 4th house) won’t/can’t be appeased for long, repeatedly looking forward to future possibilities, wondering what “dream life / vision” would bring greater peace & satisfaction. Which is surely a valid question, as its likely at least part of the discontent is due to not having a clear, inspiring, motivating target I’m working/aiming towards. Though yin & yang - also a slippery slope into that unquenchable yearning for something/somewhere perpetually on the horizon, buying into a whole complex of attitudes, perception, ‘beliefs,’ and states of being that effectively create a treadmill / hamster wheel - looking & striving “towards” something else in the future… until life has passed entirely in that delusionary chase for the unattainable.
It’s a pickle.
And clearly, I don’t have a simple answer. Or I’ve got a ton of ‘em, but am something of an idiot savant with the “idiot” part being this continual embodiment of failing to put them into effective practice.
Maybe it’s a matter of acceptance of my path, fully embracing it, doing “my best” to flow harmoniously with it rather than resist it.
Maybe I do need to “meditate” more - or sparing the word and all the mind’s associations with it, at the least, turn off the fucking internet and spend more time in stillness, silence, nature, and the body. Sure enough, any “answers” or “guidance” are to be found there rather than in memes and regurgitated “content” I’ve encountered a million times before.
Maybe, part of my greatest challenge is still the development of patience. Actually having a clear sense of the life I do want to live and how to utilize the unconventional Uranus 4th house home life in the bigger picture, splitting time between destinations in the spaces that do inspire and are most conducive to peace… yet still got more maturing to do, wanting it now versus “trusting the process” and timing required for investments to reach harvest time to fund expansion to the next levels in correct timing.
What’s left to say?
Probably not much here.
Crossroads: carry on overthinking and stay in the same loop… or get on with my day and go out to get some sun and ride for as long as my feet, ankles, and shins will allow today. (Though having skipped essential aminos the last couple prior to going out due to learning they’re not ideal during intermittent fasting, which doing regularly, let’s see if easing them back in will make a difference. 🤞)
Yada, yada, yada.
Final parting words for now: if you’ve got a home you’re content with, consider yourself blessed*, as it really is one of the biggest a person can have. (Even if it’s just shorter-term and they are neurotically restless always looking forward to somewhere/something else).
🙏