“How can it be November very soon?”
..she asked herself.
Who knows how? Who knows why a month slipped by just like that once again?
But looking back, it wasn’t that bad. It started pretty strong–diving into many things, and just began something with a good note. Even though she was never sure of what she’s doing, she kept going.
Learning everyday, whether it means getting 1% better, or makes it -1% of what should’ve not been there anymore. Some days felt harder than others, that’s what she needed to remember more often. Not everyday had to be her day, as there were days when she had to sacrifice it all.
Especially the days when her body gave up on her, so she also gave up on herself.
Constant pain, all over again. To the point where she was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And she became angry about not being able to cope, which made everything even worse.
That cycle repeats itself.
Plus, another news: she was rejected by something that is important to her, unable to move on to the next round. Maybe all she needs is just a little rest, not only physically, but mentally as well.
As she paused, an uninvited realization struck. What if the path she'd taken was wrong? Maybe she was already where she was supposed to be, yet she chose to delve into uncertainty. She’d written in her diary last month that every “restart” has its own backstory. Or was that just her excuse?
During her bed-rest, she reminded herself once again, “You’ve done what you could”.
Even now, when everything seems to be falling apart one by one, she still puts effort into anything that she can do. She fights another important thing with a different approach, she’s picked up the subject she’s been willing to relearn, and she improved the rest of them all.
One of the most important things is, she still writes. She writes to help herself. She has done what she could. And that’s enough for now. This is the last day of October, let’s not recall any regrets. We've done what we could. Always.
Thanks for reading, I hope you are doing well. See you in other slow journals :)