The Other Side of Fear.

I recently attended a tech event, and I was angry at myself. It was my first tech event since I began this tech thing. I was angry at myself, not because the event was floppy, but because I didn’t even try to take part in the hackathon.  I’ve seen and heard of hackathons, and this tech event was about people in the data field. The hackathon was opened to data analysts, beginners, experts, intermediates, everyone, but because I wasn’t sure of myself, I failed to register. I have worked on many projects, have many ideas, but I didn’t think any of those ideas or projects could snowball into something worthy at the end of the day, so I didn’t try. What if I flop? What if I embarrass myself? What if I couldn’t present what I did? What if the judges don’t like me? And so many what ifs that didn’t even let me put in for the competition. The worst that could happen was that I probably would’ve failed. But I realised that wasn’t even true. After the many mind-blowing sessions at the event, it was time for the hackathon, and I immediately regretted not trying. The first presentation went so well that I instantly felt anger brewing up in me. Not because I was jealous, or because the presenter didn’t do well, but because I realized that I could do what she did, and maybe more than that.  I realized that I let the fear of what ifs stopped me from trying to be actively part of something I have always wanted to do even though I had vowed not to let fears stop me moving forward, yet I fell for the tricks again. I was angry at myself, that I almost teared up watching the presentations because I realized that I could’ve been a part of those up there. When I thought deeply about it, I realized that it was because I had stayed too long behind the scenes. I have cheered, and worked for people that shined on the stage while I worked behind the scenes, and the reason I chose to stay behind the scenes was because I thought I wasn’t good enough for the stage, and it’s annoying that I have convinced myself so much I am not worthy of been on the stage. Right now, I am very angry at myself that I don’t even the way forward. I want to try things. I want to pitch my ideas too. I want to try even though I could fail, but I still want to try, over, and again. I watched the hackathons, cheered for the participants, and genuinely I was happy for them, but deep down, I know I could do it too, only if I could cross over to the other side of fear. It aches my heart so much that I don’t even know what to do moving forward, however, I think I’ve taken the first step; talking about it. Maybe now, just maybe now, I could go ahead and try it once, then keep on trying even if it means failure at first. Just maybe I could get over this fear of self-insufficiency. Images are mine.