Trying to lead a stress free life
Accept those things I cannot change
When I first got married I went to the Catholic church with my wife. Not being Catholic it was a little unusual for me and one of the most unusual things was the greeting "Peace be with you" and the appropriate response "....and also with you". It is a nice sentiment but I did find it unusual.
I understand how important peace is as I get older. When I was newly married I used to worry about upsetting my wife, having fights, providing for my family and many more things. Worry crept in a lot about was I doing enough. Doubt like: What if my wife leaves me? What if I lose my job? What if we go broke? What if.... and it seemed there was a never ending number of "What If's ..." in my life.
One simple coping technique got me through many sleepless nights when my wife kicked me out of the bed. For those times when we would fight or otherwise she would get angry (or on very rare occasions I would get angry) there was one coping technique that got me through. I simply told myself "I have done my best. If she wants me to leave I will. Otherwise I will continue doing my best". Now that may seem like I was defeated but I like to think I was free.
Being free causes a lot less stress. If I stress about whether or not my wife will want a divorce after a fight it will do nothing but cause worry. I can't change a single thing my wife thinks. I can only do my best. If I do my best and it isn't enough? Then I accept whatever comes. Bad things will still come but I need not worry because "I've done my best and will accept what comes". Of course there are far more things that go wrong than just fights with my wife.
That same simple mantra served me through a great many things in life. At work? People always complain, people always want things faster, people complain it isn't cheaper, they ask questions I don't have answers to or won't accept answers for those things I do know. If I worry about every thing they get upset at I would never rest. I just have to ask myself: "Am I doing the best I can with the situation I am in?" If the answer is "yes" then I don't need to fear whatever happens.
Over and over in life there are times that I want to worry. At those times I ask myself simple questions: Am I doing my best? Did I try to prepare? Did I act honestly and with good intention? If the answer is "Yes" then why worry? Sure things could go spectacularly wrong but I will just do my best to pick myself up from wherever I fall down. If I can't pick myself up? Maybe someone will help me up. If no-one helps? Well, the worst that happens is I die and that happens to everyone at sometime...but probably I'll find a better way before it gets to that.
Simply learning to let go of things beyond my control and accept what comes my way good or bad saves a huge amount of stress.
Even good things bring stress
Learning to live with less
Now it may be counter culture but something I've learned and which my oldest son has learned also: Having less leads to less stress!
Now when I was younger I fell for the lie that more is better. Unfortunately my wife still hasn't figured out that less is better and my house is filled with stuff. Here is a little secret: More stuff brings more problems.
- Cars are wonderful : But maintenance and problems bring stress
- Owning a house is wonderful : But maintenance and problems bring stress
- Rental properties and income are great : But maintenance, tenants and problems bring stress
- Investments and income are wonderful : But taxes and worry about their performance bring stress
- Vacations are awesome : But worrying about VISA's, hotels, luggage, thieves, personal security, language issues and so much more.....brings stress
- Kids are wonderful : But trying to make sure they succeed brings stress
- Spouses are wonderful : .....and I'm not even going there. If you are married, you know. If you aren't you won't believe me.
It doesn't matter what you have from a bicycle, to cellphone, to laptop, to even a big gallon of milk...things cause stress. You might be thinking...A big jug of milk causes stress? Sure. What if there is no space in the fridge? What if it drops and breaks? What if it sits too long and doesn't get drunk. Looking at it in the right way even cookies cause stress. Will eating one more make me get fat!
Once I learned to live with less. Once I learned that I don't need more to be happy. Once I learned to live simply an awful lot of stress melted away.
Learning to say NO
One of my biggest current stresses is looking after homestay children. I didn't want to have homestay students in the house. I worry about getting them to school on time. I worry if they go out without asking. I worry about enforcing the rules and treating them fairly. Most of all I stress about what to feed them for dinner, lunch and breakfast. I wanted to say "NO" to them but my wife accepted them without asking me. I was furious but I had to ask "is it worth getting divorced over. Guess not". Then I just accepted that I had to do my best for people in my house and for four months that means looking after children.
Most of the time though people can say "No". Saying "No" can save a whole lot of stress. Then again, thinking of the times you have to say "No" can be stressful too!
People always seem to be wanting to offload responsibility onto other people. Sometimes things just need to be done and people will ask if you are able to do it. If you feel obligated to accept the responsibility that means you will also feel the stress. Of course, people can't say no all the time and sometimes they have to accept the responsibility and stress that goes with it.
As an example: Someday my sons will get married. It will be my obligation and honor to make a speech at their wedding. Now I technically could say NO and avoid the stress of making the speech. I think it is probably a much better thing to say YES, accept the stress, and enjoy the moment. Which brings up my final thought...
Stress is unavoidable so make sure it is worth it
I work very hard to make sure I have as little stress as possible. Unfortunately stress cannot simply be avoided. In life there absolutely WILL be stressful times and situations. I do my best to avoid avoidable stresses. I accept stresses I must if the benefit overrides the cost.
It is stressful learning the subway system in Tokyo...but avoiding it means I never get to wander the streets of Japan.
It is stressful having to go to Vancouver and deal with an allergy clinic to push a Worksafe claim through...but avoiding it means my claim is automatically rejected.
It is stressful dealing with rental properties but avoiding them means I would just stress more over having enough money in retirement.
Some stress is actually good. Stress pushes me to get things done. Stress pushes me to do more than I want to. Stress leads to change and growth.
So I try to choose my stress wisely and sue for a peaceful life.
I remember the serenity prayer and recite it as a single prayer often.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Source: Reinhold Niebuhr
and I guess a final thought to leave you with.