What 20 Dad Tips Taught Me About Fatherhood

Fathers make an interesting appearance in my life. My mother divorced my biological father, Arnould. She remarried. Emmanuel married my mother almost 18 years ago now. I could spend time praising or criticizing them, but I’ve come to believe my future is mine to shape, regardless of their choices. To reflect on my experience with fatherhood, I read these 20 dad-tested tips to help stay on course.

1. Do a Project That Pays Off Forever
2. Unleash The BLT Hot Dog
3. Stock Up on this Secret Weapon
4. Combat Conflict with Collaboration
5. Stoke the Spirit of Adventure
6. Experiment with Delicious
7. Play Team Sports, Build Life Skills
8. Repeat These Three Phrases Daily
9. Use Covert Psych Strategies
10. Use Covert Psych Strategies (cont.)
11. Step Off Your Soapbox
12. Play Vegetable Roulette
13. Make Counting Pennies Fun
14. Raise a Confident Kid
15. Embrace Risk
16. Create Stories
17. Live the Lessons You Teach
18. Show the Meaning of Value
19. Connect with Nature
20. Don't Hang Back

What I found was a 2015 article from Men’s Health titled “20 Ways to Win Dad of the Year.” It featured advice from chefs, athletes, economists, and authors all offering fatherhood lessons. Some tips felt timeless. Others gave me pause. As someone with two very different father figures in my life, I decided to respond to each piece of advice in my own words.

Do a project that pays off forever.

This one brings back some memories. Building a playset doubles the fulfillment, from accomplishment and fun. I remember helping build one in the backyard. It was hot, and the buzz of bees sent me running inside.

Unleash the BLT hot dog.

A man who's also a chef shared this. I think a lot can be said with playing with children at an early age. I complained to my mother that she worked "too much". I didn't play much with my dad.

Stock up on this secret weapon.

Cargo pants are very useful clothing.

Combat conflict with collaboration.

Give a foundation of stability and comfort. Sit with them. Hold them. Talk to them, just be there. Don't say you love them, hug them. To be expected, the Ph.D and author Jim Taylor is informed. How sometimes I think about what if my first father did "just be there".

Stoke the spirit of adventure.

Thanks to my mother, I attended church as a kid. Thanks to church, I dabbled in the Boy Scouts of America program. I didn't become an Eagle Scout. It represents another one of my life's unrealized opportunities. Still, lifelong bonds I forged with the boys when we camped outdoors.

Experiment with delicious.

My mother taught me how to fry an egg. That's a fond memory. To learn how to cook from your father could certainly leave strong memories. In my case, I slow-cooked ground beef with Emmanuel. I wasn't a young boy though, more like 24. I think everyone possesses an innate love of teaching, sharing one's experiences, and therefore, a love of learning. I can tell my Emmanuel enjoys sharing what he knows, especially teaching his kids something. I remember my sister explaining how she loved learning to drive from him.

Play team sports, build life skills.

It's true. Some of my fondest memories are of days on the soccer field as a kid and later on in my freshman year of high school. I traveled to Spain with our rugby club my sophomore year. I experienced a great deal for the opportunity and suggest anyone who can help their kid participate, do so.

Repeat these three phrases daily.

Points to you if you can guess what they are. I'm confident you already have. They are,

• Please.
• Thank you.
• I love you.

It's not like I had an A24 moment where one of these made a difference. I agree that it's especially important to children growing up. I'm sure my brother, aside from being a teenager tasting freedom recently, wanted to hear that. I'm sure my sister did too. I can say it. It might be among the few things no one would tire of hearing from their parents, mother or father.

Use covert psych strategies.

^{Note: the original list merges a couple tips. I followed their count but split my reflections accordingly.}

I find this idea a bit tongue-in-cheek. I agree with the classics. You can't make kids eat vegetables. They do take note of how you react to foods, though. I find some subtlety goes a long way in terms of suggestion, not persuasion. I had similar experience to Mike Roussell, Ph.D, author, The Six Pillars of Nutrition. One day, about four years ago, I went downstairs. My dad glistened with sweat, walking at a brisk pace. His abdomen had visible definition, the famed '6-pack' abs. I brought up something about him exercising for long periods, sometimes an hour, two in total. He responded with how it's important to take care of your body. He said that in older age, you lose muscle mass. I was surprised to be my age and learning about that from him, but it stuck with me.

Halfway through this list, one thing stands out. Good advice doesn't always come from perfect fathers. Sometimes it's what you didn't get that makes these lessons hit home.

Step off your soapbox.

This advice hits home today. No kids. A kid myself. Stop lecturing. But if you feel the urge to do so, limit it to 30 seconds. Jim Higley, author of Bobblehead Dad, has some more wisdom. If you have something to say, introduce a topic with a succinct summary in mind. Ask your listener to think about it, pull thoughts together, and circle back within 24 hours to talk things through. Higley says it works, and I believe it.

Play vegetable roulette.

Eating vegetables in season, visiting the farmer's market, and trying new combinations. My household had vegetables and going to the farmer's market was some work, but fun. I see the merit.

Make counting pennies fun.

First, teach your kids compound interest. The apple makes a powerful metaphor. An apple has 4 seeds, which when planted, grows four trees. If the trees each produce an apple, you have 16. Then, explain percentages later on.

Sam X. Renick, founder and CEO of The "It's a Habit!" Company, makes a great point.

"What's the difference between 5 cents and 6 cents?" One cent seems insignificant, but when you frame it as 20 percent, things change. Understanding money like this can influence how people save and spend.

Raise a confident kid.

I think this should apply to everyone. Give your kid opportunities to decide as much as possible. My mother taught me this before. She often asked me, "What's it matter if they pick?" As the older brother, I wanted to make choices for them, considering their inexperience. I learned, just like how I enjoyed the ability to choose, my siblings would too.

Embrace risk.

Bear Grylls left some gems here. Show kids that the times when most people stay inside can actually be the best for going outside. I learned this slowly as I began photographing things in high school. It teaches the principle of taking the path less trodden.

His dad always said, "Follow your dreams." Bear adds on that you have to pursue your true love, without fear of failure. In fact, fail until you get it, he says.

You hear "quality over quantity", but the quantity of time you spend with your kids matters.

Create stories.

A character like Matthew McConaughey shared some fitting advice. When you hang out with your kids, you never know when a great moment is going to come up. This page also belongs in the universal book. He keeps a camera on him so he can record it. As do I. The pictures help tell the story.

While I didn't learn it from him, I think a father should teach this if he can.

Live the lessons you teach.

Kids notice what you do, not just what you say. I think my father maintains that balance. He is fit as a fiddle to this day, not relenting the regimen that keeps him trim. His relentless drive to own a business also comes through. He continues his latest journey to franchise a restaurant. A shame it may not pan, but you cannot blame the effort, nor the man.

Show the meaning of value.

I share these the words of Joe Davis's father because they're evergreen.

Spend less than you desire, invest for the long term, and save more than you think you'll need.

Joe Davis... was clearly taught well. I like to I think I was, too. I saw my dad Emmanuel fix a number of things over the years, instead of buying a new one. He saved many things, including books I still enjoy reading and revisiting today: How to Win Friends and Influence People, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and Low Profile Selling. I found a copy signed by Tom at Savers a few weeks ago, only because I remember seeing the title on his shelves my whole life.

Connect with Nature.

My father enjoys the outdoors. He grew up in Haiti, though. I vaguely remember the capital, Port-au-Prince. My siblings went as well, at different ages growing up. Though I am not positive my family would return now, I feel the connection with Nature comes to everyone given the opportunity. My father played a part in that for me.

Don't hang back.

I could stress this but the words of Kyle Pruett, M.D. and author of Partnership Parenting deliver more standalone.

Very few dads understand how much value their children place on having a relationship with them. We tend to hang back because we're not sure how they feel. Stop hanging back. Kids with strong father relationships are better problem solvers and perform better in school. Go to daycare, go to sports games, take 'em to the doctor. They will notice, and it makes a difference. Parent-teacher conferences tend to go better when both parents attend too, and often at doctor's visits, more information is given when both parents go. We rarely talk about the enormous value and meaning of being involved in raising a child who will outlive us. But there's hardly anything a man can do for his health that's better than being a dad. You're going to live longer, you're not going to drink as much, you're not going to change jobs as often.

I can't say if this is true, but I learned something about my father. Apparently, at one point he had a disagreement with my mother. She was more excitable then, inflammatory. She may've said too much at one point. Today, I know she regrets whatever her comment was because we've talked about this. Emmanuel replied simply. He would let my mother raise me however she wanted. He implied he would not interfere, but it's not the positive you might believe. My mother suggests he took a 'hands-off' approach. From his step back, I can gather this.

They probably argued over a detail. My mother, in the heat of the moment, said something like, "Let me parent my child. He is my son." Hurt, my father most likely replied with cold stoicism. "Fine, he's your son, you raise him."

I conjecture this to give context to a moment I didn't witness, according to the testimony of one side. I share it here to highlight again, I couldn't agree more with Kyle Pruett. As the son of a man who left my mother and the son of another man who let my mother raise me, I repeat.

Don't hang back. You never know how what you do may affect someone, especially your kid. Whether you're a dad, a son, or something in between, these lessons don't always show up in ways you'd expect. What matters is we keep learning and showing up.