I have epilepsy. From the very beginning, when I was diagnosed, I started having these strange feelings almost every day. They come when I’m lying down, reading a book, sitting quietly, watching TV, or even while I’m at work.
The strange thing is…they come when I’m relaxed. When I’m busy, stressed, or running around, they disappear. But the moment I stop and breathe, when things finally calm down… they return.
My neurologist and I still don’t know what they are. Are they anxiety? The fear that lives inside me, waiting for a reason to wake up? Or are they part of my epilepsy? Maybe an aura, something my brain does before a seizure? No one is sure.
It’s hard to explain how these moments feel. It’s like something shifts inside me. My stomach turns, my chest tightens, my thoughts speed up, and suddenly I’m scared…scared of the feeling itself, scared that a seizure might be coming. And then I start to hate myself for being scared again.
Sometimes I just want to cry, but I don’t. I don’t want people to know how afraid I really am. So I smile, I joke, I pretend I’m fine…but inside, I’m tired. Tired of being afraid. Tired of being ashamed of something I can’t control.
I ask myself all the time, how can I make these feelings go away? How can I finally be free?
I’ve learned that these feelings can come from different places. Sometimes they really are part of epilepsy, just brain activity, not my fault. Sometimes they’re anxiety…my mind trying to protect me but going too far. And sometimes, they’re both together, tangled up in a way that’s hard to separate.
So maybe the best thing I can do is stop blaming myself. Take care of my body and my mind. Learn to breathe through the fear. Remind myself that these feelings don’t last forever… even when it feels like they will.
It’s just… they’ve been part of me for so long now. I’m tired. And I’m scared that I’ll live with these feelings for the rest of my life.
I just want to be okay. Maybe one day I will be…not because the feelings are gone, but because I’ll learn how to live with them without fear.
Yeah… I guess this has become some kind of diary today.
I woke up with those feelings again today. I wanted to go back to sleep so they’d disappear, but I couldn’t. So here I am…writing, listening to music, trying to calm my mind.
Every time I felt down, my dog was there, cuddling with me and calming me down. I believe I'm so upset now because she is gone, and I’ve lost part of my heart. I miss her so much…
For a moment, as I type these words, it helps. Maybe that’s something. Maybe that’s where healing begins, not in being “okay,” but in letting myself be…even with the fear, even with the unknown.
With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️