The common phrase used in bringing up a child here in my country is always "spare the rod and spoil the child" but the thing there is that there is also a thing as spoiling the rod and ruining the child for life. Everyone has an experience with this one way and another and this is a conversation we rarely have without emotions boiling over, because it touches on family, culture, upbringing, religion, and ones pride. It’s not just about “how much is too much”. It’s about what we’re really trying to achieve when we correct someone, and whether our methods align with that goal.
But here’s the thing, the gap between discipline and abuse can be very thin, and sometimes the people dishing it out genuinely believe they’re helping. Sometimes… they’re not. But first, let's check out their definitions.
Discipline basically is a method of training people to follow rules or a code of behavior using guidance, instruction, and appropriate consequences to encourage self-control and responsibility. You can say that it is about guidance, teaching, and self-control. But do you think punishment should be inclusive?
Well, I think since the disciplined child (or employee, or student) should come out of the experience understanding why what they did was wrong and feeling capable of doing better next time they have to know that there is always a consequences for their action then pinishment should be there but then, that is where the line comes in.
For some, it was from a parent holding a cane. For others, maybe it was a teacher with the infamous reputation (mostly the maths teacher). And for a few, it might have come from a coach, religious leader, or even a partner who thought their “correction” was for our own good. Abusers are always fond of tagging their actions as though love but is it truly "though love"? Now, this will lead us to the second part of the discussion of the day which is abuse
Abuse is not about teaching, it’s about control, humiliation, and harm. It might come in the mirage of discipline which at first might have been the sole reason but the intebtion is now carried away.
Abuse is when a person tries to dorminate over someone else. When you get carried away with scolding, when your intentions are to belittle someone else or to instill fear.
In abuse, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime and most times, there’s no crime at all just an excuse. The abuser’s mood determines the reaction, not any reasonable standard of right or wrong. Most abuses are from transfer of agreesion and whenn they have their way the first time, they tend to continue whenever they have a built in annoyance pouring it out on their victim(s).
The truth is that here in Africa and some other parts of the word, we don't really know the difference. I am not saying that we should accept just anything but if you have been reading from the begining with an open mind then you should be able to see my point. I guess I need to paint you a scenario to understand fully. Last week, I was at my mum's and and my nieces were around (twins) beautiful smart 3 years old girls. You know this is their developing stage. When I got home, I heard that they have started this habit of saying NO to whatever my sister (their mother) tell them and I wanted to correct it. An abuser would have flogged them for that from out of the blue but that only puts fear in them without fixing anything. What I did was wait for a time to come in while observing them and it did. So one of them was with their tab and the other went to take it from her and they both started dragging it and crying over it since they are twins, we are teaching them how to always share. I was in the kitchen when I heard the commotion when I went to check them, I saw what was happening and picked it up (the tablet) asking the both of them to sit and share it together. One of them agreeded while the other said her usual NO. In me, I was joyous because this was the opportunity I was looking for. Still with the tab, I went back to doing what I was doing and she followed me crying and wailing. When I asked her if she'd sit and share, you still responded with NO.
She knew why I was being hard on her but she was just too stubborn to do what was required. Her sister was willing but she wasn't. the funniest thing was that while I was busy in the kitchen, I still sent her on errands like giving nana (my mum ) some of her stuffs and she went. At the end, she stopped crying but I didn't still give her the device telling her why I won't give her. The only time I spanked her was when she was trying to be physical without getting carried away and I don't think she will try it next time.
I will spank my kid(s) when I eventually have but I will do it only when necessary. My parents brought us up in love but if we mess up, we know what to expect at the end of that tunnel or haven't you heard "I brought you to this world, I can equally take you back" sounds serious right??
But it's not really because here I am writing to you now and all my body parts are complete. She only says that so it can ring in our heads when next we are trying to misbehave outside. They knew when to stop because I haven't been rushed to the hospital because of a broken bone or something but do most parents know the difference between the two?
Since we have the next generation here on the platform, this is me creating a little awareness on the so called "though love".
The thin line between abuse and discipline is drawn with intention, empathy, and self-control.
Discipline says:
I see your potential, and I want to help you get there.
Abuse says:
I want you to feel my power, and I’ll hurt you if I must.
The question we should ask ourselves, whether as parents, partners, leaders, or friends, is this: “Am I correcting to build up, or am I punishing to tear down?”
If we can answer that honestly, we’ll know which side of the line we’re standing on.
What do you think? How would you correct your kids or wards? I will be in the comments... Thanks for reading. I still remain 👇👇👇👇
