Good day, ladies. How are we all doing today?
I’m somewhere in between managing slight pains while still trying to show up and be the best I can. I hope you’re all doing well. Welcome to my blog.
In today’s post, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on the @ladiesofhive contest 262. I’ve always admired the brilliant minds behind our community’s weekly questions. They address real-life issues that profoundly affect women, yet are often overlooked.
I’ll start by responding to the second question before moving to the first.
In many homes, statistics show that women handle most household responsibilities, including cleaning, childcare, caring for elderly relatives, and shopping, while men are often more willing to share financial responsibilities. Everything else, women take on more than 50% of the load, especially when they are homemakers.
Honestly, those statistics are spot-on. This is the reality in many marriages or homes, a significant reason why so many women struggle with mental health, even though it’s often trivialised. We keep hearing, The woman is the heart of the home; she must hold everything together without complaint But the real question is: who holds her together?
Thankfully, I’m happy to see more women speaking up and advocating for themselves recently. But what do we hear in return? “It’s feminism.” “It’s pride.” “They can’t submit to their men.” It’s sad how easily society dismisses the genuine struggles of women, how they trivialise them.
Let me paint two scenarios to explain my point.
Scenario One: My Parents’ Home
I was raised in a home where my mother trained us, both boys and girls, equally. There were no “chores for girls” or “chores for boys.” She taught us teamwork. As the only girl, my two brothers could do everything I could do, cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
In our home, whoever got home first cooked, while the other cleaned. That was how we grew up, and it worked beautifully. Division of labour.
Scenario Two: My Home
When I got married, it was a totally different story. My ex-husband didn’t know how to do any household chores, and I made the mistake of believing I could teach him. But how do you teach a grown man what his parents never taught him?
I tried anyway, and gradually he began to learn, until his mother saw him doing chores and the accusations began: “You can’t submit.” “It’s because you’re educated.” Then came the usual “Be the man, be in control” talk, and things went south.
Before I finally left that marriage, I was utterly drained, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I cooked, cleaned, washed, cared for our kids (despite my fragile health), and also carried most of the financial burden because his business was struggling.
In truth, our financial responsibilities weren’t 50/50. They were 90/10 or even 100/0 at times, and I still kept pushing.
Despite my health challenges, cooking, cleaning, caring for the home, I had an online job, ran a grocery shop all alone to support him financially, and he actually thought it was ok.
But made me understand that helping out with chores on a few occasions was a thing of choice, and when he felt like it, so I shouldn't abuse it. And his mum supports him 100%.
I remember cooking for my family and in-laws the very day I was discharged from the hospital after a one-month stay, fighting for my life following childbirth through a cesarean section. Another time, I even cooked for more than 50 people at a family event just 24 hours after being discharged while battling a sickle cell crisis.
And yet, my mother-in-law told me I should be grateful that my husband wasn’t a drunk, a womaniser, or a wife-beater.
Looking back now, I realise I could have died in that situation. It affected not only my body but my mind.
I blamed myself for everything, felt inadequate, and believed I didn’t deserve love, simply because I live with sickle cell and was told I was “lucky” to have married an AA man.
This is the story of countless women in many African homes. You would be told to “keep pushing,” “endure,” or “stay married so people won’t mock you,” or don't worry, you are the support, and you are made to feel responsible for everything that goes wrong in that home.
In most parts of the world, especially in Africa, we have raised the male gender to have the male chauvinist mindset. And yet we raise and prepare most of our daughters for marriage, to carry burdens, but leave the male children poorly raised, no emotions, no empathy, we don't raise them to know how to love, and then we want our poor daughters to keep up in marriages like this.
No way, I walked away, and I have no regrets. I am glad I chose life.
Now, to the first question about mental health.
Only about half of people describe their mental health as good, often unable to switch off from work and life pressures.
Relating this to the earlier question, it’s clear that many women’s mental health suffers because of what they experience in their homes and marriages.
Unfortunately, mental health is still misunderstood where I live. When people hear “mental health,” they think “madness.” They forget it’s about our emotional and psychological well-being.
Here’s how I’ve learned to cope and care for mine:
- Building a Strong Support System
I’m blessed with a supportive family ( my mom and brothers), and I’ve also found a community of people like me who live with sickle cell disorder. Sharing our struggles and lifting each other up has been incredibly healing.
- Self-Acceptance
This has been life-changing. I used to feel left behind watching friends and colleagues achieve so much while my health limited me. Social media made it worse, as people’s “perfect lives” are often showcased online. But when I accepted myself and my pace, peace came. I realised that everyone’s race is different, and people often only post their highlights. If my story inspires someone, that’s fulfilment enough.
- Setting Boundaries
I learned to audit my relationships, including friends and family, with everyone. I ask myself: “Who adds value to my life?” Then I set boundaries. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary. I refuse to waste emotions where love and respect aren’t mutual.
- Practising Self-Love
I celebrate my little wins, reward myself, and take care of my needs without guilt. Sharing my story has also been part of my healing; it eases the tension and gives purpose to my pain.
I’ve learned that self-love isn’t selfishness. You can’t pour from an empty cup. To show up for others, you must first show up for yourself.
Many women carry invisible weights, emotional, physical, and financial, while trying to keep everyone else happy. I think It’s time we start to validate our feelings without guilt.
Thank you for coming by. Cheers.