Can't believe I'm fucking broke. How pathetic.

I didn't even go broke in some cool way, like risking all of my money on some exciting new venture. I just bled out like some disease-ridden animal.

How the fuck did this happen?

Perhaps even more troublesome is this question that I can't answer: how come I haven't made it all back yet?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

How the mighty have fallen

It's been a rough couple of months for me. Not to complain or sound like a little bitch or anything, but I can't seem to make any money for the life of me. I don't think I've signed up a new client since coming to Thailand in December. Six months I haven't brought a new dollar into my bank account that wasn't already on its way.

Well, that's not entirely true. I have been crushing the affiliate marketing lately. Okay fine, not crushing it. But I make enough to eat raw meat and peanuts every night.

Honestly it's pathetic how much money I'm making. What the fuck happened to me?

I'll tell you what happened: ClickFunnels.

Ugh. That word will haunt me till the day I die.

Three months of my life - THREE FUCKING MONTHS - I've been trying to figure this shit out on my own. And I've struck out on nearly every single god damn front.

Sure, I can crank out 4k word sales letters that are genuinely entertaining (in my completely unbiased opinion).

Then why haven't you made any money?

I... I don't know.

And why haven't you signed up any affiliates? OH I'm sorry, you've signed up one. In three months.

I -

Doesn't it BOTHER you how people who act like they're suffering from chronic traumatic encephelopathy are crushing it, posting pictures of their vacation on Instagram with spelling mistakes in their captions? Doesn't that piss you off?

I KNOW you man. I know you see that shit and it makes you SEETHE.

You're a vain, glory-seeking attention whore who is never satisfied with his little YouTube-comment-induced dopamine spikes. And the WORST part is that you pretend like you're not. You make it seem like you're just doing it "because you work in online marketing." Fuck off.

Tony Montana

Fine, I want the glory. So what?

But it goes deeper than that, doesn't it. This ClickFunnels shit is drudging up ALL KINDS of demons that you thought you'd sent back to hell. You thought you'd forgotten about Rachel, hadn't you?

Her? She wasn't even a blip on the radar. Literally a one time thing, maybe one and a half. Ugh.. why do you even bring her up? Don't remind me.

Don't remind you what - that you thought she was an airhead when you met her? That you thought she was just a self-improvement-seminar-groupie and would never become a millionaire like she said?

Dog, if you had met her back then, you would have said the same thing. How could I have known that she'd become one of the top ClickFunnels affiliates?

I couldn't believe it when I saw her videos, but there she was - the same girl I may or may not have hooked up with when I was an Uber-driving yoga-addicted loser, staring me in the face and trying to pitch me on some fucking info product about webinars.

Fucking hell.

It's a bitch, isn't it. To see someone who you thought was so beneath His Majesty Yalla Papi blow past you into everything you're spinning your wheels trying to reach - all despite your "superior" intellect. Fame, glory, the adoration of thousands of wanna-be hot air balloon clones just like you.

Seethe Papi, seethe.

You're loving this aren't you. Fine, you're right. Are you happy now? I don't even know why I bother listening to you. You're not even real.

Oh I'm real baby, and I'm not even the only one. You've known that for a while. We even talked about it on the way over here while you were having a wander through Asakusa. There's more of us too - WAY more.

Why don't you give us more attention, hmm? Why do you compartmentalize and separate us from each other? Why can't we just be one big happy family? What are you so afraid of?

Yeah.. I know. You're right. I've been thinking that for a while. But it's not so easy to reconcile your on-and-offline personalities into a single coherent voice.

"It's not easy" - listen to this faggot. Your whole LIFE is easy motherfucker. Everything you DO is easy. This is easy too - you just don't want to do it because you're a scared little bitch.

The Thoughtful Nihilist

Look man, people don't know me like you know me. Maybe they'll like, get scared or something if they read me talking like this. They'll get all.. I dunno, offended or some shit.

Listen brother: I'm not telling you to take the leash off your autism and go full-retard. But dude, you gotta understand that the people who know you... trust me, they fucking KNOW you.

You walk around with a giant flashing neon billboard behind you with your personality written all over it. And on every goddamn social media channel too. Maybe you can hide yourself initially, but you're incapable of doing it long term. What are you waiting for?

I don't KNOW! I told you, it's just..

What? What is it? You're worried about what some people on Facebook that you literally haven't talked to in 20+ years are going to think of your stupid blog? Are you actually delusional enough to think they give that much of a shit about you?

NO. Fuck. Fine, I'll tell you what it is. I fucking HATE how all of these marketing people - ClickFunnels and otherwise - are so goddamn inauthentic all the fucking time. Why can't they just talk like normal human beings?

Why does EVERY fucking post they make have to follow the 12 step copywriting formula? Why can't they just fucking come out and SAY what the fuck they're trying to say instead of painstakingly structuring their communication to rape my PayPal balance?

Don't they know how transparent that shit is?

Ugh god.. this again? You're still on about that "just add value" shit aren't you. Let it go man. It's over.

NO motherfucker - I'm NOT going to "let it go." I absolutely can't STAND when people try to mask their humblebrags as "advice" and expect any of us to be fooled. They post a picture of their thousands of dollars in earnings, thank their mentor, and then say, "don't give up guys, you can do it too. Just remember to add value!"

Fucking kill yourself.

It insults my intelligence. Where is their creativity? Why not think outside the fucking box for once?

LOL.. insults your intelligence. We see how far that's gotten you.

Look, it's true these people have probably never had an original thought in their mayonnaise-sandwich lives. But what do you expect? They're following the formula because it works, not because they're trying to make an artistic statement with an engaging piece of content.

And you know what the WORST part is? When I finally speak up and say something in the official ClickFunnels Facebook group, I get BANNED even though 75% of the people in the comments agreed with me.

Well no shit they banned you. Of course they're going to ban little hater ass bitches like you who complain that they're not making any money. What did you expect?

Hater? Please. I'm not a hater. I gave this shit a fair fucking chance. I've been working on it literally EVERY SINGLE DAY since February -

Oh really.. and by EVERY SINGLE DAY do you really mean, "when the pain of checking my affiliate commission earnings tab has faded enough for me to give it another go?" Is that the new definition of EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Fine. Not every day. But I've been working on it a lot.

I've made at least a dozen funnels by now and generated almost two thousand opt ins all through Paigham Bot. And after all that, only one single god damn motherfucking affiliate to show for it? All that shit for a measly $40/month?

Ooga booga where my bananas at?

What about all those courses you've been making? Haven't you been selling any of those?

Oh those? Well it's really just the one - I was going to sell the Paigham Bot course as a standalone but I decided to roll it in with the cold email course. And.. well.. I don't know. It was my first course, so I decided to give it away for free.

For free. Hunh.

So you did all the work to make not one but TWO courses, bundle them together, and then just GAVE THEM AWAY for free? And then you have the NERVE to come here and cry like a little bitch about not making any money?

Did you take too many elbows to the dome when you were in Thailand? What the fuck did you expect?

That's not the point, okay! I peppered that shit with affiliate links FUCKING EVERYWHERE. ClickFunnels, Paigham Bot, links to all my social media, my YouTube channels.. that thing is a walking talking affiliate link.

I mean, that's one way to do it. But you realize that you could have EASILY sold that course for a hundred bucks and probably made at least a few grand in the process.

You didn't even try, did you?

No...

Well what the fuck do you expect you stupid fucking monkey? You come in here and talk all this shit about people not having any sense when it comes to marketing like you're better than them. Then you go and do alllllll the work to create a cold email course, a course on Paigham Bot, record all the videos, write a 4000 word sales letter, format the damn thing, and run PB campaigns to your list... and THEN when you're literally 1% away from cashing in, you change your mind and give it all away for free?

Are you actually retarded? What are you even doing with all the leads you generate?

Oh those? Nothing..

What about the ones who opted in to all those other funnels you created?

Nothing..

Nothing? You realize that you're supposed to send them an email every fucking day until they buy something from you, right? That's the whole damn point of this shit. The drip campaign is where the money comes from, not a spam email from an unknown marketing wannabe douchebag.

I don't know man, my Sendgrid accounts keep getting shut down. They don't let me send out any emails, not even one. I could use a bulletproof email server but that shit is $200 a month.

Damn, that is a lot. Well you could just do what you did with Paigham Bot - pay for a month and then cancel it if you don't make any money after the first month.

Yeah I thought about that. But I'm so fucking broke man I can't even spare that right now. Tokyo is fucking expensive.

And since we're on that topic, why the FUCK did you buy a one-way to Tokyo? Did you not realize that it's one of the most expensive cities in the world?

It's not a money problem, it's a creativity problem

Ugh... don't even get me started...

Oh, the suit pajamas thing? Yeah man, tough break. That was gonna be a good deal for you too. Your first official brand deal. Your first opportunity to market an actual brand - one that had even been featured on a network television show. Pretty nice thing to put on the resume.

Yeah but it fell through.

Fill them in real quick. They read this far - they want to know.

Alright so here's the deal: monsoon season starts in May in Thailand and I am deathly allergic to bad weather. I was trying to figure out where to go, but pretty much all of the SE Asian countries experience the same problem around this time of year.

I was too broke to go to any Jewish States or White Christian Countries for summer, so naturally I decided that I would go to Tokyo.

I don't even know how this stupid idea infested my brain. I know jack shit about Japan other than what I've seen in anime and that they have some pretty advanced sex robots there. And I guess I knew it was expensive.

But with only a few minutes of fantasizing about my new life in a strange country that I knew nothing about, the hook was set. After moving to Israel in my early 20s and watching myself absorb Israeli traits like cutting in line at the airport and being rude to strangers, I knew that moving to Japan would add another dimension to my personality as well - in its own way.

One thing bothered me though. Japan is a legitimate country in its own right. People there take shit seriously. I couldn't very well rock up with my current wardrobe of hot pink board shortsand some ratty t-shirts. This wasn't Thailand.

I thought to myself, "What if I had a suit?"

I didn't know how or why, but I felt it would be a game-changer. I'd be able to... I don't know, do shit that people wearing suits can do that people who wear basketball shorts can't.

Get a job, go to a nightclub, walk into high end Japanese hostess clubs - you know, all the things which I rarely do because I'm too busy embarrassing myself online.

But the fact that I didn't have the optionality still bothered me.

The sad part is that I'm actually serious.

My next thought was that I could wear suit PAJAMAS like the ones that Barney wore on How I Met Your Mother. This solved the problem in my mind.

Also, I knew Japan was expensive and wanted to pack light. I would have happily ditched my massive backpack for a smaller one with a few suits and my laptop. That way I would be able to traipse around Tokyo with my little backpack, sleep in train stations, and work myself into an early death by recording non-stop YouTube videos and bashing my head against the wall trying to get ClickFunnels affiliates.

Energized by my amazing idea to fulfill my dream of becoming an Executive Homeless Businessman Vagrant, sleep in manga cafes, and sample the cheapest raw beef I could find in the supermarket (ironically imported from America), I contacted the suit pajama company and pitched them on my idea.

Smooth as silk

And because I'm desperately trying to prove that I'm not a complete moron (despite the fact that I only have one measly CF affiliate), I'm going to post the exact 700+ word email that convinced them to sponsor me:

Hello, I am a YouTuber living abroad and I was wondering if you guys would be interested in some influencer marketing.

I will be spending three months living in Tokyo making videos and I want to pack light. I had the idea of going to Japan in a suit (uncommon for a backpacker yet appropriate for Japan because they're a very formal culture). It would open a lot of doors for me for sure, but caring for a suit while on the road would be virtually impossible for me. So I thought of you guys.

Here's my proposition: I would wear your suitjamas every day for 90 days and film all of my videos in them. I would give you a shoutout in the beginning and end of every one of my videos that would be something like, "This video was brought to you by Legendary SuitJamas. They're the #1 worldwide provider of pajamas that look like Hugo Boss suits. Check them out at https://legendarysuitjamas.com... etc etc" Something like that.

I have two YouTube channels and make videos for both of them every day. One is fitness and one is for digital marketing and I would give you shoutouts in both. I'm currently at 850 subscribers for the fitness channel and 200 for the digital marketing one. Many of my videos have several thousand views and virtually all of them have several hundred. I also rank in the top 10 results for some high volume keywords and my engagement is very good.

I publish new videos 7 day a week on both channels, and as a result they've grown super fast over the past few months.

In a perfect world, I would get 2-3 pairs of your suitjamas so I could rotate them and have some variety. Tokyo is an amazing city for vlogging so I want to do a lot of "around town" stuff where I explore various weird things that the city has to offer. I'd wear your suits in every video. My idea is very marketable and has viral potential as you can see from the following clickbait headlines:

• "This Guy Spent 90 Days In Tokyo Wearing Nothing But Bright Gold Silk Suit Pajamas."
• "American YouTuber Lives In Tokyo For Three Months With Only Three Pairs Of Suit Pajamas."
• "Fitness YouTuber Rocks Silk Suit Pajamas In Style In The World's Most Futuristic City."

You get the idea...

Here are some links to my more popular videos:

Fitness channel:

https://youtu.be/INiT30O-LBM https://youtu.be/mD5eh73mEK4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQN5VODPC2k https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGiktjzCBYw https://youtu.be/FpFARjJ518U https://youtu.be/pbig2QyvpJw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfqpFRkpkq4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHRF16hOUvk

Digital marketing channel:

https://youtu.be/a1QBPz8OHds https://youtu.be/QUg88SI0GHM https://youtu.be/XSNg8Pn8_60

I think this would be an amazing opportunity for you to expose literally hundreds of thousands of people to your suit pajamas at virtually no cost to you. For your wholesale cost of 3 suits (I'll assume prob somewhere around $30-$40 per piece), you'll get your brand not only mentioned in 180+ videos over the next 3 months, but people will get to see how awesome I look in them AND they'll get to watch me do cool stuff in Tokyo while wearing them.

If we assume that every single video gets an average of 1000 views over a 3 month period (it would probably be way more by then), that's 180,000 "impressions" where people will see your product, get the link (I hope you have an affiliate program), etc. And if your out of pocket cost is only $120, then you're only paying around $0.00067 per impression. And if you know anything about online marketing through paid ads, then you know that's a pretty sweet deal! Honestly the longer this email gets the more I feel like I should actually charge you guys for a promotion like this lol.

Oh and I also have a very popular blog with 5k followers and 45k followers on my Instagram account. Links below.

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/yourtimetoshine111/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stuartoden/ Blog: https://www.steemit.com/@yallapapi

Of course I could be totally wrong and this could be a terrible idea for both of us. Not sure what you think, but if you have any questions or want to chat on Skype about this just send me an email and we can set something up.

-Stuart (Yalla Papi)

*That's