To My Younger Self, I Hope I Made You Proud

 When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about adulthood, just like other kids. Every time I played with my dolls, I used to imagine them as an older me, dressed in fancy clothes, able to afford everything, and full of hopes and dreams. I always wonder what it felt like to make my own decisions without anyone telling me "no." Skipping childhood felt like the only option that time because I was too eager and excited to grow up. However, what I did not realize back then was that adulthood comes with facing challenges I never perceived as a child. Responsibilities, heartbreaks, and lessons were all part of it. And whether I like it or not, I have to deal with it all if I want to become a happy and successful adult.  Thinking back to my younger years, I remember when I was in elementary school, I used to dream of becoming a flight attendant one day. Even though I’m not a very social person, I’ve always believed I was capable of assisting and entertaining passengers—or shall I say, a bunch of strangers. Aside from that, I was also drawn to the idea of traveling around the world. It was as if I'd already figured everything out at that young age. But just like us, our dreams change over time too. In high school, I started to become more serious and thought about becoming a lawyer, specifically a criminal defense lawyer. Perhaps I was influenced by the things I read and watched, most of which were related to laws, crime documentaries, and courtroom dramas.    Now, at 21, I can say that life wasn’t exactly how I imagined it would be. None of those previous ambitions were granted. I am currently pursuing a different path—to become a teacher—something I never envisioned for myself. It is quite ironic how sure I was before, only to end up different. Yet, it feels like a privilege to make my own choices now and face the consequences that come with them. It is actually not as scary as I thought. But I wonder what my younger self would say. What if I have a conversation with her? Would she recognize me? Would she be proud, upset, or encourage me to become more? Who knows, right? 🤍 I don't want to let her down; that's why I always work hard. It is my way of healing, of honoring my inner child. I wanted to become the person that the younger me would look up to. Being more than one has kept my life busy lately. I've joined organizations, become a journalist and a student leader, and surprisingly got elected as the first SK councilor in my barangay. I also spent a lot of time honing and discovering the skills I am passionate about. Some even call me "Miss All-Rounder" because I'm pretty ambitious or a tireless explorer of life's possibilities. Though I wouldn't call myself that, I simply try things out, never truly mastering any of it. I am more of a "Jack of all trades, master of none." It sounds pathetic, but at least I got something on my plate rather than nothing.  Still, even with all these accomplishments and pursuits, there are days when the weight of it all sinks in. It tires me out. It feels like I'm chasing a never-ending path. I try so hard to make myself proud, yet I don’t even know when I’ll ever truly feel proud of myself.  But I guess that is what growing up really means. Constantly trying even when you're unsure where it leads. Surely, I miss the way I viewed the world before I knew too much about it. Somewhere along the way, the little me still saw beauty in everything. Even so, I’ve learned to love the way I see the world now—chaotic but hopeful. Perhaps that version of myself is never truly gone. So, to my younger self, I hope I made you proud. I've stumbled and gotten lost, yet I still managed to continue despite having hard times finding the light. I may not have it all figured out, but I’m still here, stronger and wiser. Besides, we still have plenty of time, and I’m pretty sure that our future self would do everything to make us proud too.