There is no such thing as a bad dog
That is what I was taught on the first day of my puppy training class with my dog Nico. Dogs are just dogs and they do dog things. If they aren't trained properly then they develop bad habits. In that regard when Nico steals food on the counter when we aren't looking its not him being "bad" but rather him learning that if the people are near I'm not getting food on the counter...but if they aren't looking I can get a tasty treat.
He's not being bad or naughty, he's just being a dog.
My sister has a habit of taking in rescue dogs. One of those dogs is named "Enzo". I actually had to think hard about what his actual name was because I refer to him as "Bitey Boy". Now Enzo only has two teeth so his name may not seem appropriate but the fact that he constantly nips and bites makes me believe the name is appropriate. Why only two teeth? His previous owner neglected him, hurt him and abused him. His teeth were rotten and his body nearly broken when he was taken in as a rescue. The wounds on his body have healed but most of his teeth were unsalvageable. The wounds on his psyche? They still remain. Now I hear he is much much better than he was but when excited or around new people? Lash out. Bite. Nip. Don't trust
But how about with people?
I'll admit that when I read the Hive Learners Post today about the "Circle of Pain" at first I just didn't get it. The idea is foreign to me. To be certain I've been hurt many times in my life. A few times it was physical but most times is was emotional and dealing with that pain is very very hard. For me though I do not believe I have a mindset of dealing with pain through lashing out at others. It is not how I'm wired. When I'm hurt, I withdraw, take time to cry, take time to deal with it and take time to heal. I may curl up in a ball and hide in my bed for a while...that seems to be helpful. I may go for a long walk by myself and think hard about the situation and process what I may have done wrong or whether the fault is not mine. I may have other coping techniques that don't immediately come to mind but I like to think that I don't lash out at others.
Having said that, I'm quite sure that I'm not much fun to be around in that state. In addition when I'm trying to process negative emotions I have little to no empathy to help others or be with others in that state. I'm far more likely to "lash out" by telling people : Please go away, I can't deal with that now. Or perhaps, leave me alone I need time to myself, go away.
But as I reflect on society it makes me think that many people react differently than I do
Learning bad habits
Children don't have the coping techniques that adults have. If a child is hurt when young they may normalize the behavior. Children learn their behavior from their parents. If a child sees one parent hurt the other they may internalize it and emulate it when older. I have thought about that when I read my Bible and see passages like this one:
Exodus 34:7 – "Maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet He does not leave the guilty unpunished; ***He punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.***"
I have wondered if that refers to the fact that children learn from their parents and make the same mistake over and over again. A harmed child growing up and then repeating the same bad behavior....to the third and fourth generation.
Because children learn from their parents and breaking the chain is hard
But does that make it defensible for a parent to hurt a child? I would argue for a response of Absolutely not. Again looking at the Bible:
Ezekiel 18:20 (NIV) – "The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them."
Knowing about the cycle of violence helps me understand why something so awful occurs but it doesn't excuse the violence.
Forgiveness and moving on
I'm likely naive but when it comes to hurt I kind of think there are three ways to cope. Normalize and accept as typical. Carry the hurt and wounds in silence. Forgive, learn, and move on.
If it is normalized then the cycle of violence carries on...and on..and on. to the third and fourth generation...if not even further
If it is untreated? It weakens the person and causes lifelong pain. Sure the pain may lessen with time but still there is undealt with.
If it is forgiven? To me forgiveness is where healing starts. That's when you let go of the hurt, let go of the burden, and move on to more acceptable behavior,
Is that an oversimplified view of things? Absolutely. Is it probably naive? Probably. Then again for me it works. The hurts in the past? Sure I remember them. Sure they were miserable. However, they don't define me and I left then exactly where they should be. In the past and not affecting my present or future. Well, mostly. They do give me a bit of Wisdom when I'm talking to my son about dealing with things when he has been hurt by others. I haven't forgotten but I have healed.
I guess that is one of the reasons I'm happy to be a Christian. The notion of forgiveness and moving on to become a better person is baked right into the path laid out.
... But I'm certain others will have different ideas....
So if you feel like agreeing or disagreeing feel free to drop a comment
and either way thank you for reading my takes on today's Hive Learner post prompt.