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Saying no is an artform that I have not yet mastered. On a regular basis, I receive CFAs and CFPs. In academia, these are call for abstracts and call for papers, which simply are adverts for us to keep our eyes on to write papers, apply for grants, submit abstracts for conferences, and so on. You submit for as many as possible, because this is just how things work: some get accepted, some get rejected, but to stay relevant, you need to publish papers and you need to present at conferences.
I am also in the process of finalising my PhD. The oral exam (or oral defence) has been scheduled, and now I am in the process of preparing to defend my work, my ideas, and basically, the career that I have been cultivating and the one that I hope to cultivate in the future.
And to put the cherry on top, I am also giving class, lecturing a group of students on a philosophy that is dear and close to my own work, but my overall project - past, present, and future.
All of the above is taking a toll on me.
Probably physically, and probably mentally as well, but what I am missing the most, and where I can seriously feel that all of the above is taking a toll on me is my own research, the thing that pulled me into academia, and the thing I am currently trying to cultivate.
How paradoxical and contradictory is this not? The thing that I miss the most is the thing that I am trying to do? How does this even make sense?
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Throughout the years, I have grown my personal (physical) library to over a thousand books. I bought these with scholarship funds, and now research funds (the small perks of doing actual research). But I am increasingly reading articles online, on by laptop, and then quickly skimming through books as I do not have the time to sit down and read a book like in the past.
And now I am asking myself this simple question: **Have I taken on too much?** Paradoxically, the thing that I want to do (research) is the thing that I need to do to make money to do research, and in the process of making a living through research, I cannot do ***slow research*** any longer.
Life is increasingly gaining speed. The amount of work that you need to publish to stay relevant in the field is becoming astronomical. I have published multiple papers over the last three years, I have presented at so many conferences, workshops, and seminars, and I have written my PhD (twice in some sense), and it still feels like I am falling behind.
But what have I left behind is even more regretful: **Slow research**.
Reading a 500 page academic (philosophy) book takes time, and to reflect on what you have read takes even more time, and then doing research, and turning it into new knowledge takes yet more time. Doing a PhD takes time, effort, and incredible intelectual strain. Yet that thing, **time**, is so valuable and scarce today.
The great Roman philosopher Seneca once said that life is not short, we only shorten it by not living (or something according to those lines). But he had tremendous wealth. He did not have to worry to pay bills, insurance, medical aid, food, rent.... Today, we have loads of time, but modern capitalism (neo-liberalism) is making it almost impossible to do slow research (if you are not a wealthy scholar).
But I guess nothing really changed from the ancient times. Then, people like us, those needing to work to pay to live could also not really do research unless they were born into incredibly rich families.
Alas, I am taking on too much just to stay relevant in academia and it is hurting the one reason (and love) of why I turned to academia in the first place.
A strange world we live in, right?
*All of the musings and writings are my own, albeit inspired by my PhD frustrations. The photographs are also my own, taken with my Nikon D300.*