🧵 Adolescence 2.0

@comicrelief · 2025-04-05 05:37 · satire

This isn’t a program meant to run — it’s a story written in code.

|***A disclaimer before the show***| |-| |*You don’t need to be a coder to read between the lines. Just watch for the loneliness.

This isn’t a satire that makes you laugh. It’s a script that runs through the motions of adolescence, and still returns `None`. We call it rebellion. They call it problematic. No one calls it loneliness. But that’s what it is.*
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Inspired by the Netflix series Adolescence, the Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby, and the behaviour of boys pushing social limits in a world that doesn’t understand them, this piece is a poetic sketch of what happens when humour becomes a cry for attention… and society responds with panic.


# all_the_edgy_children.py
# A program that doesn't run — like most lives it describes.

class EdgyTeenager:
    def __init__(self, name, environment):
        self.name = name
        self.age = 12
        self.environment = environment
        self.voice = None
        self.mask = "humour"
        self.taboo_resistance = 0.9  # rebellion factor
        self.empathy_level = 0.3     # growing... slowly
        self.needs_attention = True
        self.belief_system = None

    def grow(self):
        while self.age <= 15:
            print(f"Year {self.age}: {self.name} tries to be heard...")
            self.tell_joke()
            self.age += 1

    def tell_joke(self):
        if self.needs_attention and self.taboo_resistance > 0.5:
            self.voice = self.choose_voice()
            self.shock_peers()
            self.alert_authorities()
            print(f"...but adults only heard: {self.voice}")
        else:
            self.voice = "irrelevant meme"
            print(f"{self.name} fades into background noise.")

    def choose_voice(self):
        return "racial_humour"  # forbidden, therefore powerful

    def shock_peers(self):
        self.peer_reaction = "laughter_or_disgust"

    def alert_authorities(self):
        self.environment.trigger_reaction("panic", self)

    def search_for_belonging(self):
        # All the lonely children... where do they belong?
        return self.environment.offer("meaning", tolerance=0)


class Society:
    def __init__(self):
        self.political_climate = "fragile"
        self.punishment_mode = "zero_tolerance"
        self.adult_reaction = "moral_outcry"

    def trigger_reaction(self, reaction, person):
        if reaction == "panic":
            self.punish(person)
            self.issue_statement(person)

    def punish(self, person):
        print(f"{person.name} was expelled for 'problematic behaviour'.")

    def issue_statement(self, person):
        print(f"Headline: ‘Hate Speech in Our Schools: The Alarming Case of {person.name}’")


    def offer(self, concept, tolerance):
        if concept == "meaning" and tolerance == 0:
            return None  # we don't do that here


# Execution begins
if __name__ == "__main__":
    world = Society()
    elliot = EdgyTeenager("Elliot", world)
    elliot.grow()

    belonging = elliot.search_for_belonging()
    if belonging is None:
        print(f"{elliot.name} never found meaning. But the logs were archived.")


# Notes:
# The script doesn't throw an error.
# It just ends — like a muted cry, scrolled past in a feed.
# === Patch Notes ===
# Version 2.0:
# - Replaced silent rebellion with racial humour (default: ironic)
# - Increased peer-laughter-to-adult-outrage ratio by 3x
# - Removed understanding module due to unresolved dependency: empathy >= 1.0
# - Logging now archived instead of read
# - Bug: MeaningNotFoundError still unresolved

Feel free to share what version of adolescence you encountered — or wrote patches for.

|***A disclaimer at the end:***| |-| |*It’s not that the joke isn’t funny. It’s that there was never a punchline to begin with.*|
#satire #teens #socialcommentary #eleanorrigby #adolescence #socialcritique #netflix #rebellion #identity #darkhumour #ecency
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